The Consequences of Following a Talking Ferret
by I heart pie
Summary: A parody of the first Matrix film. Chapter 14 is up! Thus ends the sad tale of the Aflac duck. And Mouse. OOC! IT'S HUMOR! PG-13 for language and stuff.
1. Missed cues and the secret orders

A/N: My first stab at humor and Matrix stuff. Yep. So GO EASY ON ME, PEOPLESES! Oh, and I have Trinity call the movie "crap" in this chapter, but don't worry, I really like the Matrix! And here's how this story's gonna go: I'm watching the DVD as I write this, meaning that this parody will probably be incredibly long and maybe have some boring, unfunny parts. Maybe the whole thing will be like that. Anywho, each chapter will be a scene from the DVD so they don't get too long and boring. So there'll be about 37 chapters. I WILL finish this!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Matrix. Duh. I just live in it. I don't own the characters either. And there is no spoon. Duh. This applies to all chapters. Yep. So don't expect me to write this again. Because I won't. Actually, I'd just forget anyway. Which is why I'm doing this. This is an unnecessarily long disclaimer. I'll stop now.  
  
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Chapter 1  
  
Green. Why is everything GREEN? Couldn't they do...I dunno...sky blue? Nah, that wouldn't be cool. That'd just be...fruity. No, maybe not fruity. Just...inappropriate for this particular film. Just forget I mentioned it.  
  
PHONE: RING! RING! RING! RING! DAMMIT CYPHER, PICK ME UP!!  
  
CYPHER: Uhh...Hello?  
  
TRINITY: Umm...Hi.  
  
CYPHER: Trinity?  
  
TRINITY: Cypher?  
  
CYPHER: Trinity!  
  
TRINITY: Cypher!  
  
CYPHER: TRINITY!!!!  
  
TRINITY: BILLY! Err...I mean...CYPHER!!!!  
  
CYPHER: Okay, what do ya want?  
  
TRINITY: Is everything in place?  
  
CYPHER: Let's see...Couch is across from the TV, birdcage is next to the fridge, C4 is strapped to Mouse...yeah, everything's good. Oh, and you're not supposed to relieve me.  
  
TRINITY: I felt like taking a shift. You got a problem with that, punk?  
  
CYPHER: No, since we're using our time without you to have a pool party.  
  
TRINITY: But aren't you on the Nebuchadnezzar?  
  
CYPHER: Yeah...  
  
TRINITY: We don't have a pool.  
  
CYPHER: Damn...Oh well, we're still having fun.  
  
TRINITY: ...Then why the hell are you talking to me?  
  
CYPHER: It's not a party without you, Trin!  
  
TRINITY: I've told you a million times, no matter how much you suck up to me, I'm not gonna give you any!  
  
CYPHER: Aww...Hey, I feel a sudden urge to go on with the script! You like him, don't you? You like watching him. YOU'RE A STALKER, AREN'T YOU?!  
  
TRINITY: Me? Nooooo, I'd never do that *cough cough* I'm just interested because...uhh...Morpheus belives he's the One! Yeah, that's it!  
  
CYPHER: But do YOU believe it?  
  
TRINITY: It doesn't matter what I believe since the audience will be more interested in Neo anyways. Stupid audience. I can't believe they'd pay six bucks to see this crap. What idiots.  
  
AUDIENCE: *is hypnotized by cool numbers and doesn't hear Trinity's comment*  
  
TRINITY: Did you hear that?  
  
CYPHER: Hear what?  
  
*Beep*  
  
TRINITY: Sorry, I asked you too soon. Did you hear that?  
  
CYPHER: HEAR WHAT?!  
  
TRINITY: ...Never mind. Are you sure this line is clean?  
  
CYPHER: Nope, I'm talking to you through a phone sex line, sorry. Maybe that's why you're hearing noises.  
  
TRINITY: You're so weird. I hate you, Cypher. I'm glad you go insane and get killed. Even though you kill Dozer. No one cares anyway.  
  
CYPHER: ...That's not the line.  
  
TRINITY: Oh, right. I better go.  
  
Cool. The camera is going through a number! It's a zero! That's the number of movie critics that liked "The Matrix: Reloaded"! What a coincidence! Wow, a flashlight and some police guys!  
  
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*  
  
POLICE GUY #2: *walks forward to the door of room 303.495320718*  
  
POLICE GUY #1 (now at the door) *nods to Police Guy with a Death Wish*  
  
POLICE GUY WITH A DEATH WISH: *kicks down door*  
  
OTHER POLICE GUYS: *shine flashlights on Trinity, who is too busy playing "The Sims: Hot Date" to care* Freeze, don't move!, etcetera, etcetera.  
  
PGWADW: Hands on your head! Do it! Do it now! Put your left hand in! Take your left hand out! Put your left hand in and shake it all about! Do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around! That's what it's all about!  
  
TRINITY: *puts up hands reeeeeaaaaally slowly and dramatically*  
  
POLICE GUY #2: (to Police Guy #1) Do you think the hokey-pokey is really what it's all about?  
  
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*  
  
POLICE GUY #2: What are you, some friggin' bobble head doll?  
  
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*  
  
POLICE GUY #2: ...Are you completely brainless?  
  
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*  
  
POLICE GUY #2: Is that why you became a cop?  
  
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*  
  
POLICE GUY #2: Wow, this is a lot of fun!  
  
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*  
  
CUT TO: OUTSIDE, WHERE A BLACK CAR DRIVES UP TO THE HOTEL, WHICH HAS A BUNCH OF POLICE CARS IN FRONT OF IT ALREADY. AGENTS JIMMY, JOE, AND ELROND...ERR...SMITH...STEP OUT OF THE BLACK CAR, LOOKING ALMOST COMPLETELY IDENTICAL BECAUSE OF THE SUITS THEY STOLE FROM THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. THEY LIKE THE WAY THEY LOOK. I GUARANTEE IT.  
  
SMITH: Lieutenant, you were given specific orders.  
  
LIEUTENANT: Hey, I'm just doing my job: standing out here doing nothing while my replaceable coworkers get their asses kicked...I mean...while my men capture that hacker chick.  
  
SMITH: The orders were for your protection.  
  
LIEUTENANT: How will a bacon double cheeseburger a super sized fry protect me?  
  
SMITH: You never know when you'll get attacked by a grizzly bear.  
  
LIEUTENANT: ...but we're in a really big city in Australia.  
  
SMITH: They're just telling you that so you'll let your guard down. You just never know, Lieutenant.  
  
LIEUTENANT: Rooooooiiiiiiight...but I think we can handle one little girl.  
  
SMITH: I dunno, the female bears can be just as territorial. And hungry.  
  
LIEUTENANT: ...I meant that hacker lady upstairs.  
  
SMITH: Oh. *looks around* *walks away*  
  
LIEUTENANT: I sent two units, three hookers, and a dozen rabid weasels. We're bringing her down now.  
  
SMITH: No, Lieutenant. Your men, whores, and ferrets are already dead.  
  
LIEUTENANT: Good, 'cause now when we catch her, we can charge her with murder and cruelty to animals, too.  
  
CUT TO: UPSTAIRS, WHERE THERE ARE ONLY COPS, WHO ARE CLEARLY ALL ALIVE. EXCEPT FOR THE BRAINDEAD ONE. NO ONE'S QUITE SURE ABOUT HIM.  
  
As Police Guy with a Death Wish gets close to put handcuffs on her, Trinity spins around and breaks his arm in half. Ouch.  
  
PGWADW: Man, I'm glad I bought that rubber arm. Wait...my arm's not rubber! OWIEEEEE!!!  
  
TRINITY: There's something in your nose! *reaches up PGWADW's nose, breaking it in the process* Oohhhh, a button! Pretty button! Shiny button! My preciousssss! *strokes the button* *sees police guy still standing there* It's MY precious! Kawasaki!  
  
Trinity jumps into the air in a super-cool, gravity-defying, camera-switchy way and hangs there for about five minutes.  
  
TRINITY: Okay, you can turn on the gravity now. *kicks PGWADW in chest* Thanks.  
  
As Police Guy with a Death Wish flies backward into Police Guy #1 (who is still nodding), Trinity realizes that she...bum bum bum...DROPPED THE SHINY BUTTON!  
  
TRINITY: MY PRECIOUSSSSSSS!!!! *looks around* Where is it? We wants it back! *sees it under the chair she'd been sitting in* PRECIOUSSSS!!!  
  
In a frenzy to get her button back, she kicks the chair away. It "accidentally" hits Police Guy #2 in the face. Oops.  
  
TRINITY: *sees Police Guy #3 pointing his gun at her* Hang on a sec, I gotta check my wires.  
  
POLICE GUY #3: Uhh...Okay.  
  
TRINITY: *makes some more adjustments* Okay, I'm ready now.  
  
POLICE GUY #3: Yay! *shoots at Trinity*  
  
TRINITY: *runs up and along the wall, "inconspicuously" holding onto one of her wires*  
  
As Trinity hits the ground, she pauses for about five seconds. Police Guy #3 doesn't shoot at her. I guess all the cops are brainless.  
  
TRINITY: *runs forward, grabs Police Guy #3's arm, twists it around, uses his gun to shoot Police Guy #4, then kicks him over her shoulder*  
  
POLICE GUY #4: (desperate for screen time) OW! *dies*  
  
TRINITY: *strikes a nifty pose among the unconscious/dead people*  
  
Wow. That was cool. The first action sequence took ten minutes to write, a minute to read, and thirty seconds to watch. I think I should've just watched it.  
  
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A/N: Well, that was scene one! I hoped you liked, and if you didn't...I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself. Flames make me sad. It'll get funnier, randomer, and insaner (even though the last two aren't words) in the next chapters! REVIEW! 


	2. Odd crossovers and the clubbin' ferret

A/N: Chapter 2. Yep. Betcha never thought I'd do it. But I did, so HAHAHA!!!!! Hopefully I'll be able to update frequently with how I'm writing this, and I hope this chapter is funnier than the last! You know what? I'm gonna write two scenes in one chapter now since the last one was pretty short. Yay! Oh, and it took me so long to put this up because I went to Seaworld on Friday, which apparently doesn't matter now since FF.Net was down then and...uhhh....stuff.  
  
And thanks to my reviewers!  
  
Ashy: Yes, yes, I know it's scary. And you better go check the phone book for the phone number to Ripley's.  
  
Rere: Yay, you decided to read it! AND you found it funny! Hurrah!  
  
Nightwriter and Bob: Thanks! Of course, you had to like the dead characters...someone does!  
  
raven612: Thank you much! And here ya go, chapter 2 is here!  
  
Stormhawk: Glad you liked it so much!  
  
Hobbit-eyes: YAY! I got a really awesome super cool positive review from the funniest parodyer in the Matrix section of FF.Net! HURRAY FOR MEEEEEEEE! I feel so special! Uhh...yeah, okay, here's chapter 2. And I'm waiting for chapter 7 of your parody. I found it hard to write mine since I started after reading yours and I found it pretty hard to make original stuff...uhh...right...  
  
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Chapter 2  
  
AGENT JIMMY AND A BUNCHA COPS ARE WALKING THROUGH THE HOTEL DOORS SEMI-MENACINGLY.  
  
CUT TO: UPSTAIRS, WHERE TRINITY IS FREAKED OUT AND TALKING TO A MYSTERY PERSON ON HER NIFTY CELL PHONE.  
  
TRINITY: Morpheus, I'm freaked out. The line was traced. I don't know how. They may have used a ruler.  
  
MORPHEUS: Yes, I know. They cut the hard line. Why couldn't they have cut the soft line instead?  
  
TRINITY: Morpheus...are you smoking that stuff Mouse gave you?  
  
MORPHEUS: No, though I am tempted. I think I'll smoke it when we find Neo. Then I can be all cryptic AND stoned. I was just making a stupid pun to lighten up the mood. 'Cause hey, when you're in a life-threatening situation that you most certainly won't live through, you just gotta laugh *laughs insanely* Oh, and there are Agents, too. We're making bets here on the Neb. I think you're gonna die a horrible death. So does Cypher. Mouse still believes in you, though. Stupid idiot. So we raised the bets up really high so he loses all of his money and cries for a week and then commits suicide.  
  
TRINITY: I'm glad to know you're not thinking...I mean...wait...no I'm not! Okay, Morpheus, Mouse has no money. And could you at least tell me where another phone is?  
  
MORPHEUS: Well, there's a phone booth on the corner of that street and that other street. Just jump around on the roofs of buildings and dive through a window. Then get up, Trinity, get up and go downstairs. You'll find a phone booth and a big truck ready to run you over. Run into the phone booth at the last second to create some SUPER DRAMATIC SUSPENSE and answer the phone. Well, that was a given since you'd die if you didn't...the phone call is THAT important. Anyway...I'll wait till you're least expecting it to tell you when to go. So, other than the fact that you're about to die, what else is up?  
  
TRINITY: Well-  
  
MORPHEUS: GO!  
  
As Trinity runs out to the hallway, Agent Jimmy and the cops are seen as the elevator doors open. That must be one slow elevator. Or the building's really big. Or both. Trinity turns around and runs to a fire escape. Agent Smith is seen looking at her, then looking the other way DRAMATICALLY with his hand on his earpiece because hey, it looks cool when he does that. Eventually they get to the rooftops and start jumping over gaps and running up and down and up and down and up and down...  
  
Everyone makes it over the small gap except for one clumsy cop, who doesn't quite make it and has to pull himself up. No one bothers to help him. How mean is that? Then they go over some weird roof thing that goes up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down an unnecessary amount of times. Of course, a cop trips occasionally, but that's just to show that Agent Jimmy and Trinity must always be perfect. Trinity and Agent Jimmy make it over an incredibly huge gap, leaving the audience and the cops in awe.  
  
COPS: *in awe*  
  
AUDIENCE: *in awe*  
  
See? Told ya. Trinity stops for a few seconds behind a convenient brick wall, then runs forward and dives through a window, tumbles down some stairs, and points her guns back at the window.  
  
AUDIENCE: Get up, Trinity!  
  
HANGING LAMP: (desperate for screen time) SQUEAK SQUEAK! [Translation: Get up, Trinity!]  
  
TRINITY: Get up, Trinity! Oh wait, I'm Trinity. *gets up and runs to the street*  
  
Down on the street, Trinity spots the phone booth and a really big truck about to destroy it. To add SUPER DRAMATIC SUSPENSE, she waits till the truck starts moving.  
  
TRINITY: (in phone booth) *looks scared* *puts hand against glass*  
  
The truck destroys the phone booth and the audience cheers because they really don't know if Trinity's good or not. But one thing's certain: that must've been a really important phone call.  
  
AGENTS SMITH, JIMMY, AND JOE COME AND LOOK AT THE DESTRUCTION.  
  
AGENT JIMMY: We have the name of their next target.  
  
AGENT JOE: His name is Neo.  
  
AGENT SMITH: Good. You each get five thousand cookie points. But just like on Who's Line, the points don't matter.  
  
AGENTS JOE AND JIMMY: Yay!  
  
We see the phone. There's no disembodied hand attached to it, so that means Trinity got away. Yay! But the audience doesn't know this. They really won't know what's going on throughout the whole entire movie. Anyway, seeing the mystery lady "die" because they also don't know how hard lines work yet makes them cheer insanely. God, they're dense.  
  
Wow. Again with the zooming through electronic stuff. This is the millionth time they've done it in the first five minutes of the movie. But it's okay, that kind of stuff is cool since it's only 1999.  
  
NEO'S...UHH...MEAT LOCKER!  
  
Neo is asleep listening to some weird Australian music that no one's heard before. Or maybe it's a vague American song. I'm just not sure. Either way, no one's ever heard that before. His computer is searching for something all by itself. I think the screen said Morpheus or something, but Neo could only find THAT kind of music on Kazaa. He has the first projecting computer I've ever seen. I want one of those!  
  
Anywho, his computer decides that it's bored so it starts talking to Neo. Of course, it uses that bright green font.  
  
COMPUTER: Wake up, Neo.  
  
NEO: *snores loudly*  
  
COMPUTER: Wake up, Neo!  
  
NEO: *groans* Mommy, I wanna ride the pony!  
  
COMPUTER: WAKE UP, DAMMIT!  
  
NEO: Hey, look at me, everybody, I'm riding the pony! WHOA, HORSEY!! WATCH OUT FOR THE CHINCHILLAS!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! *wakes up*  
  
COMPUTER: Are you awake yet?  
  
NEO: Yep!  
  
COMPUTER: Good. Uhh...Oh, yeah. The Matrix has you! OOOOHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
NEO: Uhh...Okay?  
  
COMPUTER: No, you're supposed to look confused and try to get out of this freaky instant messaging window.  
  
NEO: Oh. *looks confused and hits the Escape button on his keyboard*  
  
COMPUTER: That's better. Now...you should...uhhh...follow the...the...what was it again? Oh yeah, follow the white ferret.  
  
NEO: ...okaaaaaaay...*looks confused and hits Escape again and again and again*  
  
COMPUTER: Stop it, idiot! You've done it about twenty times already, do you think it's going to work on the twenty-first?  
  
NEO: Yep. *hits Escape again* ...awww, damn. Besides, you told me to!  
  
COMPUTER: You don't want to talk to me?  
  
NEO: Not really. You're kinda freakin me out here.  
  
COMPUTER: I FEEL SO UNLOVED! You don't realize that all computers talk to their owners when they're bored?  
  
NEO: Nope.  
  
COMPUTER: Well, now you do.  
  
NEO: I do?  
  
COMPUTER: Yes.  
  
NEO: Really?  
  
COMPUTER: Yep.  
  
NEO: Cool.  
  
COMPUTER: Yeah, I guess so. I wish I had a computer that could talk to me on its own!  
  
NEO: Computers have computers?  
  
COMPUTER: Well...err...uhhh...KNOCK, KNOCK NEO!  
  
NEO: Ohh, I love knock knock jokes! Who's there?  
  
COMPUTER: Trinity.  
  
NEO: Trinity who?  
  
COMPUTER: Trinity...uhh...Knock knock, Neo.  
  
At that moment, the doorbell rang, scaring the crap out of Neo. Literally.  
  
COMPUTER: Oh, I didn't realize this meat locker had a doorbell...whatever. *shuts off*  
  
NEO: Yeah, whaddaya want?  
  
CHOI: It's me, Choi. You got any glazed donuts?  
  
NEO: Naw, I'm out of glazed donuts.  
  
CHOI: You got any cinnamon rolls?  
  
NEO: Naw, I'm out of cinnamon rolls.  
  
CHOI: You got any apple fritters?  
  
NEO: Naw, I'm out of apple fritters.  
  
CHOI: You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?  
  
NEO: No, I'm out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.  
  
CHOI: You got an illegal copy of "Monty Python and the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen vs. Jason in Space 3000 X"?  
  
NEO: Wait a minute, I'll go check.  
  
A MINUTE LATER  
  
NEO: I found it! It was in my hollowed out book entitled "A Hollowed Out Book for Hiding Illegal Copies of Horrible Crossovers with Unnecessary Numbers and Letters at the End".  
  
CHOI: Cool. Oh, right, here's the money, blah blah, her fault I'm two hours late, blah, you're my own personal Jesus Christ, blah blah, whiter than usual, blah blah, UNPLUG, blah blah blah, what do you think, Dojour?  
  
DOJOUR: Uhh...Yes?  
  
CHOI: Great! Blah, later! *leaves with the scary people*  
  
Neo looked down.  
  
NEO: ...  
  
I said, "NEO LOOKED DOWN"!  
  
NEO: *looks down*  
  
There, staring up at him, was an oddly scary little ferret. It was white. Imagine that.  
  
FERRET: I'm a white ferret! Follow me to a nightclub! Wheeee! *runs off down the hallway*  
  
NEO: Yeah. Sure, I'll go.  
  
FERRET: Do not try to go along with the script. Only know that...there is no script. Also, do not try to act. Only know that...you don't have to act well in this movie since all the really cool bullet-time stuff makes up for it.  
  
NEO: Uhh...  
  
FERRET: See, you're doing it already! Neo, to the Batcave! I mean…nightclub!  
  
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Next chapter: The Nightclub and Danger in the Office! GASP!  
  
A/N: I didn't think this one was as funny as the last. Not much longer, either. Oh well, review it anyway since you're all very nice people. Yep. 


	3. The PacMan world champion!

A/N: This is chapter 3. That was just for the people who can't count. Or who didn't bother to check. Anyway, I'm enjoying writing this story. Much more fun since I can be insane and also a lot easier since I don't have to think up my own plot, lol.  
  
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Chapter 3  
  
THE NIGHTCLUB  
  
Wow. How insane. People dancing to music that consists mainly of a guy saying "yeah" a bunch of times. But I guess that's what most music is nowadays, huh? Hey, look! It's Choi and Dojour and a bunch of other scary people. Where the heck is Neo?  
  
Ah, there he is, leaning against that wall and either A) being unsociable, or B) so drunk he's about to blow chunks all over those freaky girls in front of him that are touching each other. I hope it's B, 'cause hey, that'd just be funny.  
  
Hey, look, it's Trinity! Wow, while she's walking up to Neo she looks naked! Did anyone else notice that? No? Well...uhh...it's okay, because she's not. The Wachowskis are saving that for "Reloaded".  
  
TRINITY: Hiya, Neo!  
  
NEO: *suddenly paranoid* [A/N: Wait...suddenly?] How do you know my name? Have you been stalking me? Did you put cameras in my shower or into my blender? Huh? WHO ARE YOU?!  
  
TRINITY: My name is Trinity, Neo.  
  
NEO: Trinity Neo?  
  
TRINITY: No, my name is Trinity.  
  
NEO: But you said...  
  
TRINITY: My Neo is name, Trinity.  
  
NEO: Huh?  
  
TRINITY: My Trinity is Neo, Name!  
  
NEO: Uhh...so your...uhh...name is Name?  
  
TRINITY: No, my name is Trinity, Neo!  
  
NEO: Oh...wait...THE Trinity Neo? The one that hacked into that military computer system and pretended to launch a bunch of nuclear missiles at all the other countries in the world and called yourself Joshua and stopped doing it after Matthew Broderick beat you at tic-tac-toe?  
  
TRINITY: I think you've watched War Games a few too many times, buddy.  
  
NEO: Yeah, maybe...then are you the Trinity Neo that hacked into that computer system in that place?  
  
TRINITY: Well, THAT was oddly specific...  
  
NEO: Oh, wait, I know who you are! You're the Trinity Neo who broke the Internet!  
  
TRINITY: ...No, I'm the Trinity Neo-gah, I mean Trinity-who hacked into the IRS thingy, which is why they've been taking more money. Blame it all on me! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
NEO: Rooooiiiiight...  
  
TRINITY: ...but that was a long time ago.  
  
NEO: Jesus.  
  
TRINITY: What?  
  
NEO: Oh, so your name's Jesus now, huh? Trinity Jesus Neo?  
  
TRINITY: No, I mean...why did you say Jesus?  
  
NEO: Uhh...I just thought you were...a guy.  
  
TRINITY: Most guys do.  
  
NEO: Hmm...why is that? You have boobs...that's how guys know who's a girl.  
  
TRINITY: o_O  
  
NEO: So that was you on my computer?  
  
TRINITY: Yeppers.  
  
NEO: How'd you do that? That was really neato!  
  
TRINITY: I'm just special.  
  
NEO: I knew this kid once who was special, and his name was Special Ed and he acted really funny...He couldn't talk very well and he was always hitting himself. Are you Special Ed's sister?  
  
TRINITY: Neo, I'm not that kind of special...  
  
NEO: Oh. Then you're boring.  
  
TRINITY: You won't be saying that a few years from now at the Zion rave...  
  
NEO: Wha?  
  
TRINITY: Nothing! Right now, all I can tell you is that you're in danger. They're watching you, Neo...  
  
NEO: What?  
  
TRINITY: They're watching you, Neo.  
  
NEO: What?  
  
TRINITY: THEY'RE WATCHING YOU, DAMMIT!  
  
NEO: What? I mean...who is?  
  
TRINITY: Just listen. I mean, I know that's a lot to ask of you, you hyperactive...person! I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit at your computer.  
  
AUDIENCE: BAD! BAD! MINDS OUT OF GUTTER! EEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!  
  
NEO: O_o You're really scaring me, you know...  
  
TRINITY: Yep!  
  
NEO: Is that why you're here?  
  
TRINITY: Yep!  
  
NEO: Does your appearance here have anything to do with what's gonna happen at my office tomorrow?  
  
TRINITY: No, probably not.  
  
NEO: Then can you just tell me what you want really really fast so I can wake up and be half a second late to work and get chewed out by my boss and get a mysterious phone call from Morpheus?  
  
TRINITY: Yeah, sure, why not? You're looking for Morpheus, I was looking for him too, and I found him and he told me I wasn't looking for him, but really an answer to my question about what the Matrix is but that's a bunch of bullshit because he's wrong and I'm right because I SAY SO! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!! Anywho, the answer is out there and it'll find you because the answer is really "Morpheus" and so yeah and...uh...what?  
  
NEO: Umm...if the answer is Morpheus, then...does that mean he's the Matrix?  
  
TRINITY: No. You're just not paying attention. Morpheus will find you if you want him to, which you do because...uhh...that's what you've been doing and so he'll find you and unplug you and you will save the world the end?  
  
NEO: Okay...  
  
ALARM CLOCK: *annoying noise*  
  
TRINITY: *in a dramatic echoing voice* Remember, Neo...You are the one who will open the door...oooohhhhhhhhohohohhhoooohhhhh!!!!  
  
NEO: Microsoft says that word doesn't exist.  
  
TRINITY: It's not a word, it's a sound. And who gives a damn what Microsoft thinks?  
  
NEO: Uh...me?  
  
TRINITY: That's 'cause you're an asshole. Dur. WAKE UP!  
  
NEO: *wakes up* Wow, I'm gonna be doing that a lot in this movie...*shrugs*  
  
CUT TO: REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG BUILDING (AKA NEO'S PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT/WORK/SITTING AROUND PLAYING STARCRAFT ALL DAY PLACE...THINGY...AHH, JUST FORGET IT...  
  
NEO'S BOSS MAN: Yousa in biiiiiiiiiiiiig doodoo dis time, Binksssssssssssssssssssss. I mean...Mr. Anderson. Yousa think you be above authority. Yousa believe you sooooooo special, a big, bombad Jedi, and that da rules don't apply to you...sa...yeah...Basically, I'm just telling you to be at your freaking desk on time forever and ever or else. And I'm gonna use another reference to the future of this movie series thing in my boring lecture that no one cares about: It's time to make a choice, Mr. Anderson. See, 'cause the Oracle's gonna tell you that you already made your choices and stuff...oh, go to your freaking desk already, I already screwed up the order of my lines!  
  
CUT TO: THE WALL OF NEO'S CUBICLE  
  
See? There he is on Battle.Net AGAIN. He needs to...uhh...work? No, I guess that's a bad idea. Continue taking over enemy bases and talking trash, Neo! Hey, I think Neo has a package coming.  
  
FED EX GUY: HEY, THOMAS ANDERSON? I'M COMING TO DELIVER A PACKAGE!  
  
NEO: OKAY, I'M OVER HERE IN THIS CUBICLE!!!  
  
FED EX GUY: OKAY! *walks to cubicle* THOMAS ANDERSON?  
  
NEO: NO, MY NAME'S NEO!  
  
FED EX GUY: OH...*ponders* YOU WANT IT ANYWAY?  
  
NEO: SURE!  
  
FED EX GUY: HERE, SIGN MY FREAKING CLIPBOARD ALREADY!  
  
NEO *signs clipboard* HERE YA GO!  
  
FED EX GUY: THANKS!  
  
NEO: SURE, WHATEVER!  
  
FED EX GUY: ...  
  
NEO: YES?  
  
FED EX GUY: WELL, WHAT IS IT?  
  
NEO: NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS!  
  
FED EX GUY: BUT I WANNA SEE!!!  
  
NEO: FINE! *opens up boxelope* [A/N: Box/envelope hybrid type thingy] IT'S A CELL PHONE!  
  
CELL PHONE *starts ringing*  
  
FED EX GUY: AHH!! THAT CELL PHONE IS THE SPAWN OF SATAN! AND I DELIVERED IT! I...MUST...CONFESS! *runs off*  
  
NEO: Uhh...*answers phone* Hi, this is Thomas Anderson, how may I freaking help you, asshole?  
  
MORPHEUS: Get me a freaking pepperoni pizza, fool!  
  
NEO: Okay!  
  
MORPHEUS: Wait, cancel that. I need to tell you what I need to tell you before I tell you other stuff that I have to tell eventually.  
  
NEO: Uhh...okay?  
  
MORPHEUS: Do you know who this is?  
  
*dramatic music*  
  
NEO: F-Father?  
  
MORPHEUS: No. Try again.  
  
*dramatic music*  
  
NEO: ...Laurence Fishburne?  
  
MORPHEUS: ...closer...try again.  
  
NEO: ...Pamela Anderson?  
  
MORPHEUS: No. No, no no! It's MORPHEUS!  
  
NEO: Uhh...who?  
  
MORPHEUS: It's Morpheus! You know, that guy you've been looking for all your life?  
  
NEO: I'm not like that, perv!  
  
MORPHEUS: Never mind...I don't know if you're ready to see what I wanna show you...  
  
AUDIENCE: WHY OH WHY MUST WE BE SO SICK?!?!  
  
NEO: No, I don't think so. *pauses* Well, maybe I am...You got candy?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yep.  
  
NEO: COOL! Strangers have the best candy!  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, okay...But I'm gonna show you anyway. They're coming for you, Neo! Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
NEO: Microsoft says that's not a word.  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh, not this again...Just stand up and look at the freaking people yourself. They're by the elevator.  
  
NEO: What, right now?  
  
MORPHEUS: Noooooo, in two hours, thirty-four minutes and fifty-two seconds!  
  
NEO: Oh. Okay.  
  
TWO HOURS, THIRTY-FOUR MINUTES AND FIFTY-TWO SECONDS FROM NOW  
  
NEO: *stands up quickly and hits head on cabinet* OW!  
  
MORPHEUS: Do it slowly.  
  
NEO: Thanks for telling me.  
  
MORPHEUS: You're welcome.  
  
NEO: Wait...we don't have an elevator.  
  
MORPHEUS: Then...they're by the stairs.  
  
NEO: We don't have any stairs.  
  
MORPHEUS: ...then how'd you get all the way up there?  
  
NEO: I climbed the building and went through a window.  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh. Then look at the window that you came through.  
  
Hey, that's cool! A bunch of cops and Agents Smith and Jimmy are climbing through the window, just like Morpheus said...the third time...  
  
AGENT SMITH: Next time I'm taking the elevator.  
  
NEO: WE DON'T HAVE AN ELEVATOR!  
  
AGENT SMITH: Oh. Erm...uhh...FIND THE GUY OVER IN THAT CUBICLE STANDING ON THE CHAIR AND YELLING AT US!  
  
MORPHEUS: Hmm...you're in trouble.  
  
NEO: No, ya think?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yep. Wait...I have an idea! See, since the Matrix is a computer simulation, then I can get Tank to do some hacking...and it's a good thing he's the Pac-Man World Champion!  
  
NEO: Uhh...  
  
MORPHEUS: Done. This may feel a little weird...  
  
Then, all of the sudden, Neo's legs magically started moving by themselves! GASP!  
  
MORPHEUS: Okay, Tank, get him to that office with the scaffold outside!  
  
Neo magically ran to the office, instinctively picking up and eating the odd little pellets that littered the floor. When he got to the office, Morpheus started yapping away again.  
  
MORPHEUS: Okay, there's a scaffold outside, go out there and use it to get to the roof.   
  
NEO: Okay, since I'm on the first floor of the building....*looks out window* Make that...thirty-first. Sorry, I have major short-term memory, like Dory. Wait...what was I saying? Oh, yeah. You think I'm stupid enough to try that?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yes.  
  
NEO: Oh. You'd be right! Hey, did you know I can speak whale?  
  
MORPHEUS: ... *hangs up*  
  
NEO: Whyyyyyyyyyy'd youuuuuuu dooooooooo thaaaaaaaaaat?  
  
Neo climbed out the window, clinging onto the glass from the outside like one of those plush Garfield things with the suction cups you always see on car windows. What a weenie. And why is there a wall on the side of a building? AND WHAT THE HECK IS NEO TRYING TO DO TO THAT WALL?!  
  
AUDIENCE: GOD, IT'S LIKE THEY WANT US TO BE PERVERTED!!!!  
  
NEO: Okay, I'm done. I gives up!  
  
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Next chapter: "Hey, I'm on TV!!" and "I must REALLY be wasted..."  
  
A/N: Okay, that's the end of that chapter. Yay for me, I made it slightly longer than the last two! I feel so happy-like! Yes, you know what to do, people. No, I mean AFTER you eat 2435.1976 cheeseburgers. Yeeeeeeeeesssssss, you will reviewwwwwwwwwwww!  
  
Thanks reviewers!  
  
Hobbit-eyes: Thank you very very very very very very very very very very much! I love your parody too!!  
  
rere: Yeah, just picturing that crossover made me laugh so hard I nearly wet myself. Ok, TMI! TMI!!!! 


	4. Must you play games on my stomach?

A/N: This...is chapter 4! Yep! All of my reviewers will get one million cookie points for each review they have submitted and will submit. Sadly...the points STILL don't matter. Okay, I know I used that one already, but come on, ya gotta give me a break! Yes, give me a break! Break me off a piece of that...okay, I'm done! Time to write!  
  
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Chapter 4  
  
THE INTERROGATION ROOM...THING...  
  
Okay, so the Agents put Neo into their nifty car and took him to an interrogation room. Trinity was very unhappy.  
  
TRINITY: Shit. All this leather's chafing. *rides away on motorcycle*  
  
We see him on about a million TVs, just sitting there. Until he noticed the camera, that is.  
  
NEO: Hey, I'm on TV! Cool! *moons camera* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!  
  
At that moment, Agents Smith, Jimmy, and Joe walk in. Needless to say, they're more than a little scared.  
  
AGENT SMITH: Okay, we'll be leaving now...  
  
TWO MINUTES LATER  
  
AGENT SMITH: Are you done yet?  
  
NEO: Yep.  
  
AGENT SMITH: Goooooooooooooooooood.  
  
NEO: Wow, that's a big file.  
  
SMITH: Yep. As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time, Mr. Anderson.  
  
NEO: We? Then wouldn't you have more than one eye?  
  
SMITH: ...  
  
NEO: HA!! Can I go now?  
  
SMITH: Nope! Anyway, it's seems that you've been living...*dramatic pause* ...twooooooo lives. In one life, you're Thomas A. Anderson, a software programmer guy for a software company no one's ever heard of. Hey, what does the A stand for anyway?  
  
NEO: Umm...Allison.  
  
SMITH: HAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Oh, right....anyway, you have a social security number, you pay your taxes. You even help your mentally handicapped landlady train seagulls in the park. In other words, you're a loser. The other life is lived in computers. You have become a victim of "The World" and have gone into a coma.  
  
NEO: Then...how am I talking to you?  
  
SMITH: Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real, that...  
  
NEO: Just...stop stealing lines.  
  
SMITH: I will, because...well...I don't know how the rest of it goes.  
  
NEO: Good. Because it's not your line.  
  
SMITH: I know.  
  
NEO: Good.  
  
SMITH: Okay.  
  
NEO: ...  
  
SMITH: ...Yep. Anyway...you're a hacker under the alias "Neo" and broke a bunch of computer laws. One of these lives has a future.  
  
NEO: The one where I'm in a coma?  
  
SMITH: No...I'm gonna be...what was that word...oh yeah, forthcoming...with you, Mr. Anderson.  
  
NEO: But first, answer me this: Why aren't you saying my name all funny now?  
  
SMITH: I don't feel like it.  
  
NEO: Okay.  
  
SMITH: As I was saying...You're here because we need your help.   
  
NEO: No, I'm here because you put me into your car.  
  
SMITH: Oh yeah...well...anyway, we know that you've been contacted by Morpheus on that nifty cell phone. Whatever you think you know about him is irrelevant.  
  
NEO: What, you're a Borg now?  
  
SMITH: I'd advise you to stop interrupting me, Mr. Anderson, or you will be assimilated. Anyway, Morpheus is very very very very very dangerous, so you really don't want to be hanging out with him. You won't be able to understand a word he says, anyway. My colleagues think I'm wasting my time with you. Well, they'd be right. But we're willing to wipe the plate clean.  
  
NEO: You're gonna wash my dishes?  
  
JIMMY: Psst...Agent Smith! AGENT SMITH! I think you meant "slate".  
  
SMITH: Oh, whatever, it doesn't make sense anyway. We'll give you a fresh start if you help us catch Morpheus so that all of humanity will be destroyed.  
  
NEO: Sounds like a good deal. But I got a better one. Buy one, get one free Oscar Mayer wieners! *starts singing* Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weineeeer! That's what I really want to beeeee-EEEE-eeee! 'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer weiner, everyone would be in love with me!!  
  
SMITH: No, you can help us catch Morpheus and we'll give you a fresh start!!  
  
NEO: Ohh!! Ooohh!!! I got an even better deal!! How about I give you some candy *pulls out handful of Jolly Ranchers* and you give me my phone call.  
  
SMITH: Mr. Anderson, you disappoint me.  
  
NEO: You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap. *hold up bag of brown stuff*  
  
SMITH: But that crap is from a REAL Nazi! C'mon, isn't it cool!?!?  
  
NEO: *considers* No. No, not really. Anyway, I know my rights, I live in America where we're all free and whatnot, so gimme my phone call!!  
  
SMITH: But Mr. Anderson, you forget...you're in Australia.  
  
NEO: NOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
SMITH: Besides, what good is a phone call if you can't speak?  
  
NEO: But...I can speak! See, I'm speaking now! LOOK AT ME, WORLD, I'M SPEAK-MMMMMMMMMM!!!! *mouth seals up*  
  
Neo is freaked out. So is the audience. What the heck does this have to do with cool bullet-time kung-fu scenes? Neo flings the chair he was sitting in off to the side. Did you see how close it came to hitting Agent Joe? Well, at least Joe was nice enough to move it out of the way before grabbing Neo, ripping his shirt open, and pinning him down to the table so Agent Smith could drop that weird little bug thing onto Neo.  
  
AUDIENCE: Oooooohhhh, is that bug thing the Matrix?  
  
Hmm...I guess none of them have seen the movie yet. Oh well. Okay, the audience is collectively throwing up now that the bug is crawling into Neo. C'mon, it's not THAT gross!  
  
NEO: MMMMMPH!! MMMMMMMMMMM!!!  
  
Now, I'm no expert at muffled-scream language, but I think he was trying to say "Rape! Rape!!!"  
  
NEO: *wakes up in bed* Wow, what a dream! It almost felt like a bug was REALLY crawling into my body!  
  
PHONE: *rings*  
  
NEO: Wow, it's almost like they know I'm awake! *shrugs and answers phone after about a million rings*  
  
MORPHEUS: This line is tapped, so I must be brief. Yep. I wonder why I'm not calling you on your nifty cell phone…oh, right, you DROPPED IT OFF A BUILDING!!!  
  
NEO: Uhh...sorry?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, you bet your ass you are! You owe me a thousand bucks!!  
  
NEO: Isn't that a little expensive for a phone?  
  
MORPHEUS: No, the phone was ten dollars at a flea market. But do you know how much it costs to call from a ship deep inside the earth in a whole different world to your damn office? Why couldn't you work on Saturdays? I have unlimited night and weekend long-distance minutes!!  
  
NEO: Uhh...  
  
MORPHEUS: Anyway, they got to you first. But they don't know how important you are.  
  
NEO: Who got to me first?  
  
MORPHEUS: I dunno.  
  
NEO: But you just said...  
  
MORPHEUS: Look, you're the One, you get to save the world, you may have spent the last few years looking for me, but...  
  
NEO: Oh, that's right, you're the Matrix!  
  
MORPHEUS: ...no, Neo. Like I was saying...I've spent my life looking for you. Oh, just go to the bridge and get in a car.  
  
NEO: Okay!  
  
CUT TO: THE BRIDGE OF DOOM...AND SOME OTHER STUFF!  
  
TRINITY: *opens car door* Okay, get in! Quick, Neo, quick!  
  
FAT GUY STANDING THERE: How much do you pay, honey?  
  
TRINITY: GAH! YOU'RE NOT NEO!!!  
  
NEO: *runs up to the car* Outta the way, old guy! *pushes guy out of the way* Sorry I'm late, I just had a run-in with an iguana, some glue, and a textbook! Very odd situation; you better hope it never happens to you!  
  
TRINITY: ...whatever, just get in the damn car before that other guy gets up.  
  
NEO: Yeah, okay.  
  
SWITCH: *points gun at Neo* Hi! I'm Switch! I'm gonna talk as much as I can now since I die later! I'm so under appreciated!  
  
NEO: Okay...so...what is this!?  
  
TRINITY: It's for our protection. Yep.  
  
NEO: Well duh, that's what guns are for, but why are you pointing it at me?  
  
TRINITY: I just told you!  
  
NEO: You did?  
  
TRINITY: Yep.  
  
NEO: Really?  
  
TRINITY: Yes, Neo, I did.  
  
NEO: Oh. What will it protect you from?  
  
TRINITY: You.  
  
*conveniently placed thunder clap/lightning strike*  
  
NEO: COOL! DO IT AGAIN!! DO IT AGAIN!!!  
  
TRINITY: *sigh* Okaaaaaaaaaay...You.  
  
*lightning strike/thunder clap*  
  
NEO: Wow, it did it in reverse that time!  
  
SWITCH: Oh, shut up and take off your shirt!  
  
NEO: OKAY!!! I mean...What? *confused look*  
  
SWITCH *to Apoc* Stop the car. Listen, coppertop.  
  
NEO: What am I, a Duracell?  
  
SWITCH: There's no time for Twenty-One questions.  
  
NEO: Awww, but I like that song! *starts singing again* GiiiIIIiiiirrrllll, you seem to love me now. Would you love me if I was down, and out, would you stiiiiill have love for me? GiiiiiIIIrrrllll...  
  
SWITCH: Just...stop...I meant 20 Questions...and...uhh...it's our way or the highway.  
  
NEO: *opens car door* Wow, you meant that literally?  
  
SWITCH: Yep.  
  
TRINITY: PWEASE DON'T LEAVE, NEO!!  
  
NEO: Okay!  
  
TRINITY: YAY! Apoc, lights.  
  
APOC: Okay. *claps*  
  
SWITCH: COOL!! When did you add that to the car?  
  
APOC: Don't you know? It's a standard feature in these cool black cars!  
  
TRINITY: Lie back and lift up your shirt.  
  
NEO: OKAY! *lifts up shirt*  
  
TRINITY: Okay, time to have your bowels irrigated! *pulls out big gun thing*  
  
NEO: *gulps*  
  
TRINITY: *looks at screen on big gun thing* Come on, you shit!  
  
SWITCH: Hey, I see you! You're not getting the bug out! You're playing Galaga! Your aim sucks!!  
  
TRINITY: Oh, like you could do better?  
  
SWITCH: Yeah, watch me!! *grabs gun*  
  
Trinity and Switch go about their Galaga tournament as Neo sits there, watching the bug crawling around. Apparently the bug likes Galaxian better. As Trinity is about to beat Switch's high score, the bug flies out into a tube thing and the game shuts off.  
  
NEO: HOLY SHIT, THAT THING'S REAL!?!?  
  
TRINITY: YEAH! AND IT SHUT OFF MY GAME! STUPID BUG THING!! *dumps out window* Oh well, are you ready to meet Morpheus?  
  
NEO: Yeah, sure, if he gives me another cool cell phone.  
  
TRINITY: What if he doesn't?  
  
NEO: Well, if he has a Snickers bar, I'll take that.  
  
TRINITY: ...Neo...you have got to be the stupidest person I have met in my whole entire life. I think maybe I'll have sex with you in...oh...four years if you keep going at this rate.  
  
NEO: SCORE!!  
  
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Next chapter: A long, boring chat with Morheus and getting unplugged!  
  
A/N: Okay, now I'm really scared...I dunno why. Is anyone else scared? Oh well...hey, people...I'm gonna put this on hold 'til I get home from my grandparents' house on the 8th (I've been here for two months!!!) and then I'll have plenty of time to right a few more chapters before school starts up again. And hopefully I'll be able to keep updating this after the school year starts. Yep. You know what to do...it starts with an r, ends with a w, and there're two e's, a v, and an i. In no particular order.   
  
And a big thanks to my reviewer people (your checks are in the mail!!! LOL)  
  
Hobbit-eyes: I've never seen 'The Watcher'...Anyway...thanks for the review! And hey...you know what I realized earlier? Well, I was reading your parody again (because it's SO FUNNY!!!!), and I realized that I used a bunch of jokes from your parody in my parody without realizing it when I did it...uhh...wait...anyway, I KNOW you won't be mad because you're nice. I just feel bad. Stupid conscience.  
  
Trinity36706: Thanks for your review and don't feel bad about not using punctuation...it's the spawn of Satan, anyway!  
  
Trinity-In-Black: Wow, lotsa people with Trinity in their names...Yeah, that WAS TMI, but that's okay...I said it too! And thanks!  
  
rere: Thanks again, bestest buddy in the world who must stop being dead and talk to me more when you're online...and yeeeeaaah, I changed my name. It means 'Raccoon Demon'! But you knew that already, didn't you? Of course you did! BAKENESS! LOL.  
  
Ikobe: Thank you much! Read Hobbit-eyes's parody, too...it's hilarious!!! 


	5. I hate being compared to little girls

A/N: Chapter 5 is here! Yay! Let's get right to it!! Oh, but beware of inside jokes (yeah, I know it kinda takes away from some of the funniness, but I just can't help myself!) Must...*twitch* resist *twitch*...And oi! Sorry it took so long! I've been recovering from my vacation! LOL.  
  
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Chapter 5  
  
That spiffy car that all the weird people were in pulls up to a big building. After climbing a big winding staircase, they reach a door. Oohh, ahhh, wow!  
  
TRINITY: This is it. The door to the...ROOM WITH A GUY IN IT! Bum bum buuuuuuuum! Let me give you one piece of advice: be honest. He knows more than you can imagine. Plus, he can smell a lie. He says they smell really bad.  
  
NEO: Wow.  
  
TRINITY: Yep. Oh, and he can smell fear, too.  
  
NEO: But how does he do that?  
  
TRINITY: He can smell fear and lies...through THE GIGANTIC GAP IN HIS TEETH!  
  
*yet another lightning strike thing and a big thunder boom*  
  
NEO: How do you do that?!  
  
TRINITY: Magic. Yep. Did you notice how I created a big lighting bolt outside the building to create a dramatic effect and illuminate the building when looking up on it so that it looked more ominous and scary-like?  
  
NEO: Yeah, sure, whatever you say.  
  
TRINITY: Okay, go inside. That's what the door is for: opening.  
  
NEO: What about closing?  
  
TRINITY: I thought the seagulls were used for closing doors?  
  
NEO: HOW DID YOU KNOW I HELPED MY RETARDED LANDLADY TRAIN SEAGULLS TO CLOSE DOORS?!?  
  
TRINITY: Umm...lucky guess?  
  
NEO: Oh, okay.  
  
TRINITY: Besides, I said that you would be the one who will open the door. *opens door*  
  
NEO: Heeeeeey, I thought you said I was gonna open the door!  
  
TRINITY: Too late. Unless you have a seagull to close it again so you can go about your door opening.  
  
NEO: No, I don't...  
  
TRINITY: Oh well. Look on the bright side; in the next movie you'll go down a hallway with a bazillion doors to open! Of course...you'll go through the one that'll get you trapped on top of a mountain...what luck. Or was it stupidity? I'm not sure.  
  
MORPHEUS: *facing window* Are you done yapping yet? I need you to concentrate fully on making my turning-around-to-face-Neo thing more dramatic!  
  
TRINITY: *sighs* Fine...go ahead.  
  
MORPHEUS: *turns around*  
  
*again with the lightning strikeyness and the thunder clappyness*  
  
MORPHEUS: I LOVE THAT! YAY FOR TRINITY! Oh. *composes self* At last. Welcome, Neo. As you know doubt have guessed...I AM MORPHEUS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
NEO: *sniffles* I thought you were my father!  
  
MORPHEUS: No, Neo. We've been over this before.  
  
NEO: Oh. *excitedly* Then are you Pam Anderson?!  
  
MORPHEUS: No.  
  
NEO: ...Angelina Jolie?  
  
MORPHEUS: Neo, do I look like any of the people you just listed? More importantly, perhaps, is the question of whether I have gigantic breasts or not.  
  
NEO: Hmm...Nope. You must be some cryptic old bald guy with a gigantic gap between his teeth!  
  
MORPHEUS: Yes! That's exactly who I am!  
  
NEO: Oh. *extends hand* It's an honor to meet you.  
  
MORPHEUS: *takes Neo's hand and does more of a "manly holding of hands" than a handshake* No, the honor's all mine.  
  
NEO: NO, IT'S MINE!  
  
MORPHEUS: NO! MY HONOR! MINE MINE MINE MINE MIIIIIIINE!!!!  
  
TRINITY: *clears throat*  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh, right. Just sit down.  
  
NEO: What if I don't wanna sit down?  
  
MORHPEUS: No, you're supposed to sit down now, then when you see the Oracle you can use that one on her and see what happens.  
  
NEO: Oracle?  
  
MORPHEUS: *waves hand* Sleep.  
  
NEO: *falls asleep*  
  
MORPHEUS: When you wake up, you will not remember anything I just said. *waves hand* Now wake up.  
  
NEO: I would, but I can't see your hand waving while I have my eyes closed. Dur.  
  
MORPHEUS: Fine. *smacks Neo* Wake up, dammit! Do you remember anything, Neo?  
  
NEO: F-Father?  
  
MORPHEUS: *sighs* *waves hand* Sleep.  
  
NEO: What if I don't wanna?  
  
MORPHEUS: Too bad. Now sleep.  
  
NEO: But Morpheus, I dun wanna sleep! You were gonna tell me a story that will confuse me and overuse some stupid Alice in Wonderland metaphor!  
  
MORPHEUS: ...Okay, fine. I imagine that right now you feel like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole.  
  
NEO: Hmm...No. No, not really. I feel like a middle-aged hacker dude talking to some cryptic bald guy with a monstrous gap between his teeth about whether or not I feel like a little girl falling down a hole.  
  
MORPHEUS: Okay, whatever you just said. You have the look of a middle-aged hacker guy who accepts what he sees because you think you'll suddenly sober up. Well, you'd be WORN G! I mean...wrong! [A/N: Only my friends would get that]. Well, okay, it's not that far from the truth.  
  
NEO: But I don't remember getting drunk...I mean, I went to that club, and...  
  
MORPHEUS: Do you believe in fate, Neo?  
  
NEO: No.  
  
MORPHEUS: Why not?  
  
NEO: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life, even though I'm really not. I mean, hey, it's not like I commit all those computer crimes on purpose! *cough cough*  
  
MORPHEUS: *getting really close to Neo's face and pointing* I know EXACTLY what you mean. *sits down* Let me tell you why you're here, Neo.  
  
NEO: OHH! I KNOW! BECAUSE IN GOT INTO THAT CAR!  
  
MORPHEUS: Exactly. YOU WIN!  
  
NEO: Cool, what do I win?  
  
MORPHEUS: NOTHING!  
  
NEO: YAY!  
  
MORPHEUS: Actually, you're here because you know something. What you know, you don't know, but you know I know that you know you know something. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire life. You know it's there, it's like a splinter in your mind and it's making you mad.  
  
AUDIENCE: Wouldn't he just be in severe pain if he had a splinter in his mind?  
  
MORPHEUS: HEY! It's a metaphor! Get used to it!  
  
AUDIENCE: *collective gulp*  
  
MORPHEUS: (continuing) It's this feeling that brought you to me. This undeniable lust...  
  
NEO: o_O  
  
MORPHEUS: ...for knowledge.  
  
NEO: Oh. But that wasn't in the script.  
  
MORPHEUS: I know. I'm improvising. Do you know what I'm talking about?  
  
NEO: The Matrix.  
  
MORPHEUS: Yay! Okay, I'll tell you...sorta...The Matrix is everywhere, even here in this very room. You feel it when you go to the bathroom, when you have a colonoscopy, when you pass a stone, when you...  
  
NEO: That's just disgusting.  
  
MORPHEUS: I know! Isn't it cool? It's the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth: there is no spoon.  
  
NEO: That's not your line! It's the spoon kid's! And don't you mean...?  
  
MORPHEUS: NO! I DON'T MEAN WOOL! THAT JOKE IS STARTING TO GET OLD AND IF THE AUTHOR USES IT HE WILL BE WRITING AN UNORIGINAL PARODY!  
  
NEO: Oh. What truth were you talking about, anyway?  
  
MORPHEUS: You are a slave. You were born into bondage, like everyone else...  
  
NEO: You do NOT want to know what I am thinking.  
  
MORPHEUS: (ignoring Neo) ...here, just take a pill. Take the blue one, you wake up in your bed with a severe hangover and no memory of what has taken place. Take the red pill, and you will be stoned for all eternity.  
  
NEO: *reaches for the red pill*  
  
MORPHEUS: Remember...all I am offering is the truth. And maybe some apple pie.  
  
NEO: *swallows red pill*  
  
MORPHEUS:*smiles evilly* Follow me!  
  
CUT TO: ROOM WITH LOTS OF COMPUTERS AND STUFF  
  
MORPHEUS: Apoc, are we online?  
  
APOC: Almost.  
  
MORPHEUS: Time is always against us. Sit in the damn chair. I mean...please, take a seat.  
  
SWITCH: *takes Neo's jacket*  
  
NEO: What is it with you and getting me to take off my clothes?! *sits in chair*  
  
As Trinity started putting those little pad things that hospitals use onto Neo, everyone else pretended they were doing something important. Cypher looked through some weirdo goggles, Apoc looked at some computer screens, and Morpheus put a phone onto a freaky machine thing.  
  
MORPHEUS: That pill you took was part of a trace program. It disrupts some signal thingy and lets us pinpoint your location.  
  
NEO: But I'm sitting right here!  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, true...  
  
CYPHER: HEY! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LET ME SAY MY LINE!  
  
MORPHEUS: Fine...  
  
CYPHER: Yay! Buckle your seatbelt, Dorothy, because Kansas is going bye bye.  
  
*lightning/thunder*  
  
MORPHEUS: TRINITY!  
  
TRINITY: Sorry, couldn't resist.  
  
NEO: WHY DO ALL YOU PEOPLE COMPARE ME TO LITTLE GIRLS WHO GET STUCK IN NONEXISTENT FANTASY WORLDS?!  
  
MORPHEUS: Because it's fun. Hey, the mirror's fixed!  
  
NEO: Cool! Lemme smear my fingerprints all over the glass! *touches mirror* Heeeey!  
  
Neato special effects, huh? Of course, it's not very neato for Neo (hey, that rhymed!), because it's obviously some very cold liquid stuff. And it's gonna kill him if the crazy people don't do something!  
  
NEO: C-c-cc-c-c-cc-cccc-c-c-c-c-cccc-cccc-cc-c-ccccccc-cold...it's ccc-c-cc-cc-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-ccccc-c-c-c-c-c-cold.  
  
MORPHEUS: It's not THAT cold...*pulls out cell phone and dramatically hits one button* Tank, we'll need a signal soon.  
  
NEO: No kidding. This nasty stuff's about to go into my mouth!  
  
TRINITY: I got a fibrillation, whatever that is.  
  
MORPHEUS: Apoc, location.  
  
APOC: Targeting almost there.  
  
TRINITY: He's going into arrest!  
  
Hey, look! It's all those dead cops from the beginning putting Neo into handcuffs while he's having a heart attack!  
  
TRINITY: Not THAT kind of arrest!  
  
APOC: I got him! Go me! I AM THE IKARUGA CHAMPION!  
  
MORPHEUS: Why are you playing Ikaruga? You're looking for Neo's signal thing.  
  
APOC: Oh. Okay, got him.  
  
MORPHEUS: NOW, TANK, NOW!  
  
TANK: What?  
  
MORPHEUS: Do your little take-a-person-out-of-the-Matrix-and-into-their-little-slime-pod thing!  
  
TANK: Oh. Don't I need his signal?  
  
MORPHEUS: I thought you said you got his signal!  
  
NEO: Aaaaaaany time now.  
  
TANK: Oh, I thought you were talking about the Playboy channel on satellite. Because I got that.  
  
MORPHEUS: COOL! What's on now?  
  
TRINITY: *clears throat*  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh, right. Tank, get NEO'S signal and do your thing.  
  
TANK: What thing?  
  
MORPHEUS: That thing you do.  
  
TANK: Hey, I like that movie!  
  
MOPRHEUS: Oh, just get Neo out of the Matrix.  
  
TANK: Oh, why didn't you ask me that in the first place? That's easy!  
  
NEO: Finally!   
  
Neo does his annoying screamy thing that gets all distorted. The screen's all dark for a minute, then the slime pod thing comes up. Lovely.  
  
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Next chapter: "Ahh! He's naked!" and a LOT more waking up.  
  
A/N: As some of you probably noticed, I kinda twisted a joke from Hobbit-eyes's parody, "The Matrix Madness". You know, the part where it takes Tank forever to get the signal? Lucky for me, I managed to make it more original than copied. I didn't do the joke intentionally, mind you; apparently this is a "great minds think alike" moment! Oh, and I managed to get through this with only one inside joke! Yay!  
  
And thanks to the bestest reviewers ever:  
  
deke-core: Thanks for reading it! It's funny...in thinking about jokes for future chapters, I thought about the "my name is Eon" thing. Great minds DO think alike!  
  
Trigger2: Glad you liked it so much! Just DO promise me not to wet yourself, I've already had a reviewer do that *remembers Trinity-In-Black*  
  
Ashy: Yep, perfectly happy. Hey, don't blame ME for being behind on your summer reading...blame the people at Eastside for making you read such crappy books! And there's no way I'M gonna do it for you...I'm enjoying being the only one that doesn't hafta do summer reading. AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GALAGA IS? *gasp* It's one of those really old arcade games, you know, like from the early 80's? You fly around in a spaceship and shoot aliens. And there's no way in hell I'm gonna read that scary fic with the scary URL...it's just...WRONG!  
  
dragoonknt: Thanks! Wow, Mad Magazine? Never even considered it. Glad you think I'm funny enough for it!  
  
Cattie: Ah, six months, four years, same diff, lol. Forgive me, I've only seen the Matrix: Reloaded once! And that was a long time ago! And I tend to forget the little things like that...all I cared was that it was part of the Matrix story and it was continuing on. Oh, whatever. And I'm glad you liked it!  
  
Hobbit-eyes: I'm glad you think that way, because as I said, I used another one! Well, sorta. I think I changed it around enough. Anyway...I find the way Smith laughs in Revolutions to be excessive and annoying. But he IS stoopid!  
  
Nightwriter: I get a Lint of Recognition, too?! I feel so special! *sniff* I'd like to thank everyone for reading and making this possible! Now get the hell of my lawn! *turns on sprinklers*  
  
Destiny Chaser: Glad you liked it! And I think "sorta" is a major understatement!  
  
Selina: Don't take this the wrong way, but you must have a lot of asses to keep laughing them off like that! I'll check out the group when I get the chance (and I would've done it sooner, but I've been busy getting back into the groove of things at home after returning from my very long vacation).  
  
kaitou: Yes, you must sign in. Hey, while you're at it you can write a .hack fic! LOL. And it seems that one of my review pages is fixed, but the other still makes you scroll. How annoying.  
  
Okay, everyone...I'm just gonna come out and say it...REVIEW! 


	6. Crikey! It's that croc guy!

A/N: OKAY! CHAPTER SIX! Sorry this took me so damn long to post...I dunno what happened to the fairly quick updatey-ness. Well, without further ado, here it goes! The beginning of the chapter provides much randomness, and it'll probably take quite awhile til I get back on track!  
  
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Chapter 6  
  
Ah, the slimy slime pod. Thing. No one knows what it is, other than a lumpy thing with a bunch of tubey wiry things. And some hands.  
  
NEO: *reaches up and breaks through pod casing thing* Yummy, liquefied dead people! The other other OTHER white meat! Hey, how'd this get here? *pulls giant tube out of nose/throat* GAG! COUGH! ACK! Wow, I have a thing in my head. And lookit all those pods! *looks down to see lightning* AHH! TRINITY MUST BE HERE SPYING ON ME! *shouts into the air* I'M NOT DECENT! GO AWAY, TRINITY!  
  
GIRLS IN AUDIENCE: *realize they're seeing Keanu Reeves naked* YAY!  
  
GUYS IN AUDIENCE: *realize they're seeing Keanu Reeves naked* Aww...that blew our last chance of getting laid!  
  
DOG IN AUDIENCE: Woof! Arf! Bark!   
  
FERRET IN AUDIENCE: Beep! Hop! Jump! Hiss!  
  
DYING GIRAFFE IN AUDIENCE: Mwahl! Mwahl! Nya! Wait, what sound DOES a dying giraffe make?  
  
SOME GUY NAMED STEVE IRWIN IN THE AUDIENCE: Crikey! A dying giraffe! Let's help the bloke!  
  
Suddenly, a helicopter and a bunch of guys in Jeeps come into the theater.  
  
OBLIVIOUS DUDE: Is it just me, or does this theater seem crowded?  
  
OTHER UNIMPORTANT AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey! Down in front! Keep it down!  
  
HELICOPTER PILOT: Oops, sorry, I forgot to set the helicopter to whisper!  
  
After that, the giraffe's rescue went off without a hitch. Steve Irwin was arrested shortly thereafter for being insane and not having a passport, since the premier was suddenly moved to the U.S. without warning. As for the helicopter and Jeeps…they stayed for the remainder of the movie since it had also somehow changed into a drive-in. Freeeeaaaaky.  
  
NEO: Now that all the attention has been reverted back to me, I shall do the chicken dance! *does the Electric Slide*  
  
ROBOT: That's not the chicken dance! DIE! *strangles Neo*  
  
OTHER ROBOT: Now, Joey, what'd I say about strangling humans?  
  
JOEY ROBOT: Uhh...do it as much as possible?  
  
MOM ROBOT: No. What'd I REALLY say?  
  
JOEY: I don't wanna say it!  
  
MOM: Say it!  
  
JOEY: I don't wanna!  
  
MOM: Be a good boy for Mommy and say it, Stuart! I mean...Joey!  
  
JOEY: *sighs* You should only strangle a human long enough to remove the large wire from the backs of their heads and fly away so they are able to be flushed down the toilet like a dead goldfish.  
  
MOM: Good boy! Now let him go.  
  
JOEY: I don't wanna.  
  
MOM: Let him go.  
  
JOEY: I dun wanna!  
  
MOM: Joeeeeey! Look at him, he's turning pale and all his hair's gone!  
  
JOEY: Mom, I swear I found him like that!  
  
MOM: Let him go!  
  
JOEY: Fine...*lets go*  
  
MOM: Good boy. Now run along and strangle some other humans, but do it properly this time, okay?  
  
JOEY: Yes, mother...  
  
Neo is more than a little confused. And more than half dead. But that's beside the point. The magical wires of DOOM (as everything is 'of DOOM' when you're confused and in severe pain) began popping out of him in a very painful-sounding manner.  
  
NEO: OUCH! OWIE! PAIN!  
  
Yep, I thought so. Suddenly, Joey came back!  
  
JOEY: Sorry, I forgot this one didn't have the automatic flushers installed. *pushes button*  
  
NEO: AHHH!!!  
  
JOEY: (shouting into hole Neo went through) BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT, DOROTHY, BECAUSE KANSAS...  
  
NEO: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!  
  
After what looks like a "fun" trip through the "sewage system of the real" (its new official name, since it was discovered that adding "of the real" to the end of anything made it sound cooler. Adding "in my pants" to the end of anything, however, made things funny. Especially book titles. 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets...IN MY PANTS!'), Neo falls and falls until landing in a giant pool of water, where he sinks faster than something that sinks really fast. Then a claw comes down and grabs him.  
  
NEO: I KNEW IT! The real world is really one of those cheap claw machines!  
  
MORPHEUS: I hope you enjoyed your trip through the scenic sewers of the real! And may I say that it is an honor to be the first to say "Welcome...to the real world".  
  
NEO: ...I'm on the Real World? COOL! *points at Trinity* Is she my lover who shall have sex with me causing me to be all angsty about how I have a girlfriend back home that I'm still with?  
  
MORPHEUS: ...not that kind of real world.  
  
NEO: Oh. Then this is boring. *goes all unconscious*  
  
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MORPHEUS: We've done it, Trinity. We've found him.  
  
TRINITY: Found who?  
  
MORPHEUS: Neo.  
  
TRINITY: Who?  
  
MORPHEUS: Naked guy on the table.  
  
TRINITY: Oh, right. Well, I hope you're right about him being all One-y and whatnot.  
  
MORPHEUS: I don't have to hope. I know. I know all. For I...AM A MOVIE-SUE!  
  
TRINITY: *gasps* You're a boy named Sue?  
  
MORPHEUS: ...nevermind.  
  
NEO: *wakes up again* Am I dead?   
  
MORPHEUS: Far from it.  
  
NEO: What, I'm REALLY dead? *sees Trinity* I AM dead! And if she's here, I must be...NOOOO!! WHERE HAVE I GONE WRONG IN MY RELIGIOUS PRACTICES?! *goes unconscious...again*  
  
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Whoa. We must have accidentally stepped into the area where the author of the book "Acupuncture for Stupid Idiots like Yourself" is examining the procedure. Neo looks like a porcupine, or one of those spiky things from Crash Bandicoot.  
  
DOZER: He still needs a lotta work. What'd you bring him in for again?  
  
MORPHEUS: A tire rotation and an oil change. It's been 3,000 miles.  
  
DOZER: Ah, I see.  
  
NEO: *wakes up* What are you doing?  
  
DOZER: Hmm...let's think...hundreds of needles in your skin, your muscles are all funky...yep, we're doing brain surgery!  
  
NEO: Oh, okay. Just asking.  
  
MORPHEUS: No, your muscles have just atrophied. We're rebuilding them. With needles and various other pointy objects.  
  
NEO: Oh. Why do my eyes hurt?  
  
MORPHEUS: Because you're staring up into blinding white lights.  
  
NEO: Ah.  
  
MORPHEUS: Rest, Neo, the answers will come soon.  
  
NEO: Whatever, as long as I get to sleep. More. *falls asleep*  
  
Wow, various scenes of weird stuff with Neo's pluggy things and the needles. Seems kinda pointless.  
  
NEO: I have awoken! Again! Go me! Wow, I wonder how they got all these clothes on me! I'm like an army man, complete with my combat boots and...*looks at arm*...a heroin needle?  
  
FLASHBACK!!!  
  
BARNEY THE ANNOYING PURPLE DINOSAUR: Now, remember kids, don't do drugs or you'll end up like me! Whoopdee-dee!  
  
TODDLER NEO: (bouncing up and down in front of TV) Don't do dwugs!  
  
BARNEY: Now, kids, it's time to learn college level calculus so you don't end up like me! Whoopee!  
  
END FLASHBACK!  
  
NEO: DWUGS BAD! *pulls out extremely long needle* OW! Hmm...Must feel the back of my head! *reaches back sloooooowly*  
  
As his hand reaches the plug thing, Morpheus opens the door rather loudly.  
  
NEO: Morpheus, what's happened to me? What is this place? What's the square root of 15,129? State the converse of the following statement: If it is snowing outside, then it is cold.  
  
MORPHEUS: Nothing, a hovercraft, one-hundred twenty three, and If it is cold outside, then it is snowing.  
  
NEO: Wow, you DO know everything.  
  
MORPHEUS: I know. But more important than 'where' is when'.  
  
NEO: When?  
  
MORPHEUS: You believe it is the year 1999 when in fact it's closer to 2199. I can't tell you exactly what year it is because I skipped out on buying the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar a few years, and I lost track.  
  
NEO: Oh.  
  
MORPHEUS: Now that we have that settled, come meet the Krusty Krew!  
  
NEO: Your crew's crusty?  
  
MORPHEUS: Don't you ever watch SpongeBob Squarepants?  
  
NEO: No.  
  
MORPHEUS: Nevermind then. Follow me anyway.  
  
NEO: Okay.  
  
MORPHEUS: This is my ship, the Nebuchadnezzar. I think.  
  
NEO: Who's that?  
  
MORPHEUS: Ah, no one important, just an ancient Babylonian emperor with a garden.  
  
NEO: Oh.  
  
MORPHEUS: And if you look to your left, you will see the ship's core. Look to your immediate right to see some random computer equipment. I'm not quite sure what it's used for. You already know most of my crew. My posse. My clique. My homies.  
  
NEO: Uhh...  
  
MORPHEUS: But, for the sake of the audience, I will clearly repeat everyone's names so they are not confused.  
  
AUDIENCE: You're a little too late for that, Morpheus.  
  
MORPHEUS: This is Apoc, Switch, and Cypher. They're all idiots who deserve to die in some weird way. Like maybe being manually unplugged from the Matrix or shot with a big electricity gun of some sort. The ones you don't know are Tank, the one with the annoying smile, and his older brother Dozer, master of the one-liner. The little bug-eyed, shifty-looking one behind you is Mouse. I guess that's how he got his name.  
  
NEO: Well, I'm glad to know you are employing the mentally handicapped to work with you on this ship.  
  
MORPHEUS: Yes, Tank was very appreciative when we took him in.  
  
TANK: Heeeeeeeey!  
  
MORPHEUS: You wanted to know what the Matrix is?  
  
NEO: Sure, why not?  
  
MORPHEUS: Too bad, the chapter's over! MWAHAHAHA!  
  
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A/N: Okay, I suppose you guys deserve a longer chapter after I made you wait so long for it. But my inspiration is back (one of the reasons I wasn't writing was because it took me forever to think of something for the slime pod scene), so I might update faster again.  
  
Thankers reviewers of niceyness (the rest of whom are getting lazy...where'd the reviewers go?!)  
  
Hobbit-eyes: Okay, now you're trying to confuse me. In your chapter 4 review you said Agent Smith was stoopid, and when I called him stoopid in your callout, you defended him in your review. Me so confused...I think I'll start parodying LotR as well, since we just bought the DVD for TTT, and though I want to read the books I have no money...and thanks for liking my parody!  
  
alocin: Yes, wasn't the seagulls' ability so obvious? How could you have not seen it? And I think you mean "doomyness". It's Hobbit-eyes's parody that has the madness.  
  
A Retard: Mwahahaha, I got you to review! Yay! Notice how I was more random in this chapter? I owe it all to you! Yay!  
  
theshiz: Hehe, like your name! It's okay, you don't have to show enthusiasm. Yeah, Mouse is cool. I bet you kinda got mad that I almost called him mentally handicapped, but I turned it on Tank because I was thinking of you! lol. And your grammar's not bad (trust me, not only have I seen worse, but it's fine, don't worry about it!)  
  
You people DO realize that you are the ONLY reviewers for the last chapter? I feel so unloved...but I hate begging for reviews, so could you do it for me? lol, just kidding. 


	7. The chapter not meant for weak stomachs

A/N: Why do I even bother writing "A/N" every time I do this? It's always the usual routine...right, chapter 7! Here we go! Expect...well, I dunno what you should expect...I haven't written the chapter yet! Here we go!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Matrix or any of the characters. I also don't own Wheel of Fortune or 7-Up or anything else in here that it's obvious I don't own.  
  
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Chapter 7  
  
MORPHEUS: You wanted to know what the Matrix is?  
  
NEO: Will you actually tell me this time?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yes. Trinity.  
  
NEO: What?! Trinity's the Matrix now?!  
  
MORPHEUS: No. I was addressing her. She SHOULD be pushing YOU into the FRIENDLY chair with the GIANT NEEDLE attached to it, *hinthint, cough cough*  
  
TRINITY: Oh, right. I thought I was the Matrix. I was trying to figure out exactly what the Matrix does. You know, trying to pose like a computer-generated world isn't easy!  
  
MORPHEUS: What are you talking about?  
  
TRINITY: Uhh...I...and the...what? Oh, right. *shoves Neo toward the needley jack-in to the Matrix chair thingy*  
  
NEO: YAY! THE DENTIST! Doctor Trinity, do I get a prize after I'm done? Like some candy?  
  
TRINITY: Two things, Neo. One... *puts big metal shackle thing over one of Neo's feet*...I'm not a dentist. And two... *puts other shackle thing over the other foot*  
  
NEO: OW! YOU SHUT IT ON MY FOOT!  
  
TRINITY: That's the point. You don't want to be falling out of the chair while I'm drilling, do you?  
  
NEO: But I thought...  
  
TRINITY: As I was saying...AND TWO...It doesn't really make much sense for a dentist to give you candy immediately after cleaning your teeth. I mean, it'll just give you more cavities. *in a Jerry Seinfeld voice* What's up with that? *laughter comes out of nowhere* And don't get me STARTED on airline food...  
  
MORPHEUS: Trinity, shut up. Neo, try to relax.  
  
NEO: I'd love to. Really, I would. But with this crazy female incarnation of Jerry Lewis...  
  
TRINITY: SEINFELD!  
  
NEO: ...Jerry SEINFELD standing in front of me, it's kinda difficult.  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh. DEMON BE GONE! *smacks Trinity in the forehead*  
  
TRINITY: Hey! You hit me! *Seinfeld voice* What's up with that?  
  
MORPHEUS: It's no use. Don't worry, you'll be fine in a second. Rest your head on the practically nonexistent headrest. *pushes Neo's head down to the chair* And don't worry about all the weird noises coming from behind you. You know, the squeaking and clanking of large metal objects, the sound of three-foot-long glinting needles...  
  
NEO: Glinting needles make sounds?  
  
MORPHEUS: Well, you know how they do that in movies and cartoons and stuff? Kinda like that.  
  
NEO: Oh. So are there glinting needles behind me?  
  
MORPHEUS: *looks back at arsenal of deadly-sharp and really really long needles* Erm...no, nothing to worry about.  
  
NEO: Okay.  
  
MORHPEUS: This may feel a little weird *shoves really long needle into Neo's head*  
  
NEO: *makes some kind of face that looks partially in pain and partially constipated (if there's a difference)*  
  
One of the random guys that the audience already forgot the name of (a.k.a. Dozer) pressed this load button on a screen, and presto, Neo's not in pain or constipated no mores. That's a double negative. So I guess he's still in pain.  
  
NEO: Hey, I thought you said it would feel weird, not painful!  
  
MORPHEUS: I did.  
  
NEO: Well, it felt like receiving five spinal taps, walking barefooted on jagged rocks with bits of sharp glass sticking up from them, and being shot in the arm repeatedly to me.  
  
MORPHEUS: I know, and isn't it WEIRD that all those things could possibly be happening at ONE TIME?  
  
NEO: Uhh...whatever. *looks around* Wow, nice place ya got here. White's my favorite color, you know. If you can call it a color...  
  
MORPHEUS: *yawning* Yes, yes, Neo...fascinating...Oh yeah! This...*holds arms up in a manner reminiscent of Vanna White, the "letter revealer" on Wheel of Fortune* ...is the Construct. That's a CAPITAL C. It is not "a" construct, for that would likely mean a lowercase c. Which it is not. Just remember that. Anywho, this is our loading program. You know; things like clothing, which Cypher obviously hasn't figured out yet as Tank seems to get a kick out of the times when Cypher tries to go in after forgetting to ask for clothes; equipment, such as Swatch watches with ultra GPS tracking devices, which are of course rendered completely useless by the fact that Tank is sitting in the ship staring at the pretty green code; weapons, because I just had to specify that "weapons" and "equipment" are not necessarily the same thing, even if you do EQUIP your WEAPONS; training simulations, which are basically just a fun way to kick back and watch your crewmembers being beaten up by simulated Agents...in other words, we can get anything we need here.  
  
NEO: So that REALLY long speech with all your commas and semicolons was unnecessary?  
  
MORPHEUS: You bet. Just trying to keep everyone with me.  
  
AUDIENCE: Still failing...  
  
NEO: Right now we're inside of a computer program? *forgets what he was saying* You know, those raggedy old chairs, really little coffee table, and 60's-like TV really detract from the room's white blandness.  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, that's nice...but yes, we're in a computer program. Is it REALLY that HARD to BELIEVE?  
  
NEO: Yes.  
  
MORPHEUS: *continuing* Your clothes are different, the plugs in your body are gone...  
  
NEO: *realizing he's wearing a jacket* WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! IT'S SUMMER! *pulls up sleeves on jacket to reveal…dun dun duuuuuun...THE PLUGS ARE GONE!  
  
MORPHEUS: ...your hair is different.  
  
NEO: *reaches up to head* OH MY GOD! DID YOU GIVE ME A MULLET?!?!  
  
MORPHEUS: WE did not give you a mullet. Your appearance now is what we call "residual self-image". It's your mental projection of your digital self. Or something like that.  
  
NEO: So you're saying I'm thinking of MYSELF with a MULLET?!  
  
MORPHEUS: Yes. Please think of something else.  
  
NEO: Okay! *concentrates real hard until his hair is changed into a bright green mohawk* COOL!  
  
MORPHEUS: *mumbling to himself* I know he's the One. The prophecy stated that the One would be able to change his hairstyle and color at will...and his name is an anagram of the word 'One'. That's so cheesy.  
  
WACHOWSKIS: Yeah, we know!  
  
MORPHEUS: Where'd you guys come from?  
  
WACHOWSKIS: That doesn't matter. Look at our T-Shirts!  
  
MORPHEUS: I don't have time for that! *looks over at Neo, whose hair is now bright blue and down to his waist* Okay, I'll read them.  
  
ANDY: Okay, see, we got the idea for these shirts from the ones they made for 7-Up. See, their T-Shirts say "Make 7" on the front, and "Up Yours!" on the back.  
  
LARRY: Granted, most people wearing these shirts got randomly attacked from behind by paranoid people, but we've twisted them to make them Matrixy!  
  
The Wachowskis stand next to each other. Andy's shirt says "There Is" on the front, and Larry's says "No Spoon". They both turn around to reveal the words "UP YOURS!" in bright green (of course) letters.  
  
MORPHEUS: So Andy gets to walk around with a shirt that says "There Is Up Yours!" and Larry has one that says... "No Spoon Up Yours!"?  
  
WACHOWSKIS: Yep.  
  
MORPHEUS: Well, Andy, your shirt makes absolutely no sense, and Larry...yours just sickens me. Goodbye.  
  
The Wachowskis magically poof away.  
  
MORPHEUS: Now, where were we...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NEO!  
  
Neo now looks like Cousin It from the Addams Family. Except his hair is rather...purple-green. Yes, purple-green. Gurple. Preen.  
  
NEO: Uhh...sorry. *reverts back to normal unkempt short haircut* So, this isn't real?  
  
MORPHEUS: Considering that you made your hair gurple without the help of a mentally retarded 5-year-old, yes. Or no. It depends. What IS real? How do you define real? If you are thinking about what you can feel, smell, taste, and see...then real is simply electricity in your brain.  
  
NEO: Wouldn't that hurt?  
  
MORPHEUS: How do you think you feel pain?  
  
NEO: I dunno, maybe by having A GIANT NEEDLE SHOVED INTO MY NECK!  
  
MORPHEUS: That was a long time-  
  
NEO: Five minutes.  
  
MORPHEUS: --ago. Okay, back to the whole "real" thing. This *picks up remote* is the world that you know.  
  
Morpheus turns on the TV to reveal little cuddly puppies running through fields with unicorns and pink bunnies.  
  
MORPHEUS: And THIS *changes channel* is the world that all the SANE people know.  
  
Morpheus turns on the TV to reveal a really big city.  
  
MORPHEUS: This is the world at the end of the 20th century. See, there's George Bush shoving Bill Clinton out the window of the oval office. But now this world is only part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Matrix. It's basically a really big video game, except for the whole "dying and not coming back to life" thing and that "people really DO care if you run them off the road" thing. You've been living in a dream world, Neo. Your whole life is a lie! A LIE I TELL YOU! Ahem...and this is the world as it exists today *changes channel*  
  
The TV now displays the charred remains of the same really big city from before, as well as a Squiddie flying by with a large banner reading "Eat at Joe's" behind it. Then, somehow, Morpheus and Neo are IN the TV! GASP!  
  
MORPHEUS: *dramatically* Welcome...to the DESERT OF THE REAL!  
  
*lightning/thunder*  
  
MORPHEUS: TRINITY!!!!  
  
NEO: Did you say dessert?  
  
MORPHEUS: No, desert.  
  
NEO: I want dessert. Gimme ice cream.  
  
MORPHEUS: There is no ice cream in the DESERT OF THE REAL!  
  
NEO: *gasp*  
  
MORPHEUS: We only have bits and pieces of information. But what we know for certain is that in the early 21st century, Dick Clark finally died.  
  
NEO: And I thought he was some kind of immortal demon or an incarnation of God...  
  
MORPHEUS: Not far from the truth. But we also know that at that time mankind was united in a really big partay! We were marveling at our own magnificence as we gave birth to AI. And boy did it hurt. It spawned an entire race of machines, you know. We don't know who struck first, us or them, but basically there was a huge war wiping out most of humanity. Ah, those were the good old days...and then we scorched the sky. Lovely, huh? No blue skies anymore...just clouds and the occasional lightning bolt. We figgered "HEY! Let's block out the sun so them thar robots don't get them no energy!". But they found another energy source. The human body generates more electricity than a 120-volt battery, and over 25,000 BTUs of body heat. Remember that just in case we ever play Trivial Pursuit or something.  
  
NEO: Okay...  
  
MORPHEUS: Basically what I'm trying to say is that the machines have all the energy they could ever want. There are fields where they grow babies and eat them up, giving them all their energy. Yummy yummy. You know what the great and wise Fat Bastard says: "Baby! The other OTHER white meat!" In other words, the Matrix is a prison and the machines turn us into this *holds up battery*  
  
NEO: Is that why Switch called me coppertop? She thought I was gonna be used as a battery?  
  
MORPHEUS: Maaaaaaaaybe...  
  
NEO: No. *shakes head violently* I don't believe it. It's impossible. I'm repeating myself. I hate it when I repeat myself. I despise being repetitive! Lemme out!! *wakes up in the real world* AHHH!! *tries to get up but is still plugged in and kinda half-hangs off the chair, unable to move* Get this thing out of me! I don't believe it! Stay away from me! Blah blah, you get the point.  
  
CYPHER: He's gonna pop!  
  
NEO: *like the guy from Animal House with his cheeks stuffed full of mashed potatoes* Hey everybody, what am I?  
  
*silence*  
  
NEO: A ZIT! *throws up*  
  
TRINITY: Ewww! *throws up on Cypher*  
  
CYPHER: That's disgusting! *throws up*  
  
MORPHEUS: I think I'm gonna be...*throws up*  
  
SWITCH: Meh, I'll join the club. *throws up*  
  
APOC: If she's going to, I will! *throws up*  
  
MOUSE: TASTY WHEAT! *throws up*  
  
TANK: Uhh...  
  
DOZER: *looking woozy* I think I might...  
  
TANK: NO!  
  
DOZER: *throws up*  
  
TANK: I've got a lot of cleaning up to do...  
  
AUDIENCE: ...  
  
TANK: *throws up*  
  
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A/N: Okay, hope that didn't make you...uhh...*throws up* lol, I kinda ripped you off again...would you believe this is only ONE scene but is the length of a normal chapter of two scenes? Weeeird...thanks to my reviewers, who I can always count on to bug me until I update!  
  
JediPrincess2415: Thank you! Here's an update, and hopefully I'll be fast with the next chapter!  
  
theshiz: I'm not one to talk about Mouse's looks, being a guy and all...lol. Yep, I can't stand Tank's smile! It annoys the crap outta me!!!! And thanks for reading!  
  
The Farting Menace: MWAHAHAHAHA! My reviewyness of other people's fics is paying off in reviews of my own...and hopefully there will be more SpongeBob references coming up!  
  
Nitro: Thank you! Hyperness is my middle name. Well, not really, but wouldn't that be weird?  
  
Rere/kaitou/person who doesn't want to log in: No, I don't think Barney ever talked about drugs...*looks around* Not that I'd know or anything, I don't WATCH the show...*cough cough*  
  
Hobbit-eyes: *nods* Smith's cackle is creeeeeepy! *sigh* More Orlando Bloom obsessyness...tsk tsk, you must settle down with that! And where, exactly, did "I'm away laughing on a fast camel" come from? You say it a lot...don't even TRY to pass yourself off as sane, you should show pride in your insanity! I do! *puts button on shirt that says "I AM INSANE, GET OVER IT!"* I wish I had a button that said that...  
  
Okay peoples, you can review now! So go! Do it! Go nowwwww!! Oh, and check my profile...visit the site in my homepage section and join it! We need people! 


	8. YOU THREW UP ON MY SHOES!

A/N: Hey everybody! Back with yet another chapter of DOOMyness! Here goes the...random hyperness and stuff!  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Twinkies. Or any product by Hostess, for that matter. I also don't own any of the movies that I make references to in this chapter (if you can name them, you'll get...something really cool!).  
  
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Chapter 8  
  
After puking his guts out on the floor of Morpheus' precious ship (and, incidentally, causing the rest of the crew to follow suit), Neo fell asleep. Again. While some may argue that he simply "lost consciousness", I would say "SCREW YOU! I'm RIGHT, you're WRONG, so GET OVER IT!"  
  
NEO: *wakes up* Damn, my hair's gone again! I WANNA BE A GURPLE COUSIN IT!  
  
MORPHEUS: Too bad, Mr. Projectile Vomit Guy.  
  
NEO: AH! Where did you come from?!  
  
MORPHEUS: That door over there. *points*  
  
NEO: Oh, okay.  
  
MORPHEUS: Yep.  
  
NEO: ...  
  
MORPHEUS: ...  
  
NEO: ...!!!  
  
MORPHEUS: .... . ... ...... ...........!!!!!!!!  
  
NEO: ... ..... .. ... ...... ... ....... ... .. ..... .................... .. . .... . . . ....... . . . ........ . . .... . . . .......!!  
  
MORPHEUS: Don't you have a question to ask me?  
  
NEO: .....!  
  
MORPHEUS: NEO!  
  
NEO: Oh, yeah...WHERE'S THE CREAM FILLING?!  
  
MORPHEUS: *sighs* Here *hands Neo a box of "real world" Twinkies*  
  
NEO: YAY! *bites into Twinkie* EEWW!! That's disgusting! I think I might...  
  
MORPHEUS: NO!  
  
NEO: I might...*looks woozy*  
  
MORPHEUS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *inhales deeply* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
NEO: I...I...GERBILS!  
  
MORPHEUS: Uhh...  
  
NEO: What's in that stuff, anyway?  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh, not much, just everything the body needs.  
  
NEO: Runny eggs?  
  
MORPHEUS: No.  
  
NEO: Snot?  
  
MORPHEUS: No...  
  
NEO: Tasty Wheat?  
  
MORPHEUS: No! NO, NO, NO!!!! Just everything the body needs! *muttering* andsomesnot.  
  
NEO: Hey! I heard you!  
  
MORPHEUS: No you didn't.  
  
NEO: Oh. Okay. *sighs* I can't go back, can I?  
  
MORPHEUS: You mean back up the sewage system OF THE REAL into your little slime pod OF THE REAL to be strangled by the robots OF THE REAL before all the wires OF THE REAL reattach themselves to your lifeless, naked body OF THE REAL?  
  
NEO: Yeah, I guess so.  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh. WELL NO! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! But if you could...would you really want to?  
  
NEO: Yes.  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh, okay, just asking. By the way, I owe you an apology. I...I...  
  
NEO: Yes?  
  
MORPHEUS: ...I THREW UP ON YOUR COMBAT BOOTS!  
  
NEO: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
MORPHEUS: Just kidding! I threw up on Cypher's combat boots!  
  
A loud, girly scream is heard from elsewhere in the ship.  
  
CYPHER: MY SHOES! MY WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT SHOES!! RUINED! YOU did this, DIDN'T you?!   
  
Odd choking noises are heard from outside the door before a rather hurt-looking Switch comes crashing through the door.  
  
MORPHEUS: Are you okay?  
  
SWITCH: I'm fine...it's just PAIN...  
  
CYPHER: RAAAAARGH!  
  
MORPHEUS: Calm down, calm down...you wanna know who REALLY threw up on your shoes?  
  
CYPHER: RAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!  
  
MORPHEUS: It was...it was...*looks at Neo* IT WAS HIM! *points behind Cypher, where Tank just happens to be walking*  
  
TANK: Why hey there Cypher buddy ol' pal! Whatcha up to?  
  
CYPHER: RRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRGHHHH!!!!  
  
TANK: AHHH!!! Maybe my charming smile will help! *smiles at Cypher*  
  
CYPHER: Oooohhhhh...*stops in front of Tank* I'm sorry, Tank. I dunno what got into...RAAAAARRRR!! *tackles Tank*  
  
MORPHEUS: *pressing his chest* Two to be beamed directly to sickbay.  
  
VOICE OUT OF NOWHERE: Aye aye, Captain!  
  
A few seconds later, Trinity runs into Neo's cabin, grabs Switch off the floor, then runs back out to get Tank. All the while she is making odd fwooshing noises.  
  
MORPHEUS: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?! BEAMING PEOPLE TO SICKBAY DOESN'T SOUND ALL FWOOSHY!  
  
TRINITY: Aye aye, Cap'n!  
  
MORPHEUS: Oooohh, so we're PIRATES now, huh? I COMMAND YOU ALL TO WALK THE PLANK!  
  
TRINITY: But we don't have a plank...  
  
MORPHEUS: Then get off the ship in some other way! Shoot yourself out of a cannon! Jump through the windows! Flush yourselves down the toilet!  
  
NEO: Umm...Morpheus?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, whaddaya want?  
  
NEO: You were talking to me.  
  
MORPHEUS: No I wasn't.  
  
NEO: Yes you were. You were apologizing.  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh, right. See, we have this rule. We never ever free a mind once it's reached a certain age.  
  
NEO: Oh. So basically you didn't free me, you only freed my mind, and this is another gotdamned computer world?  
  
MORPHEUS: That IS a theory...  
  
NEO: o_O I was kidding...  
  
MORPHEUS: ...oh. Anyway, it's dangerous to do it after that unspecified age. Usually people are in denial. They throw up on others. They have blurred vision. They lack hair.  
  
NEO: So that's basically everyone ever unplugged?  
  
MORPHEUS: You betcha. Basically, when you're a certain age and unplugged, you have trouble letting go. I've seen it before.  
  
NEO: Ah. Mouse?  
  
MORPHEUS: You bet.  
  
NEO: So you're telling me it makes more sense to have ickle babies strangled by maniacal robots, flushed down a giant sewer system, dropped into a bottomless pool of water, and getting crushed by a gigantic claw?  
  
MORPHEUS: Sho nuff. But I did what I did because I had to do what I did. Ya see, when the Matrix was first built, there was a dude born inside it who could change whatever he wanted. His name was Bruce. Bruce Nolan.  
  
NEO: *gasp* You're telling me that the first One was JIM CARREY after MORGAN FREEMAN gave him the powers of God?!  
  
MORPHEUS: Yep. He parted tomato soup. He changed clothes in the middle of a street. He caused a monkey to come out of some random thug's ass. He...was the first One eva! *lighting/thunder* GOTDAMN IT, TRINITY, I'M TRYING TO TELL A STORY!  
  
TRINITY: But I did it for...uhh...dramatic effect?  
  
Out of nowhere, a huge, gigantic piano fell on Trinity. Yes, I mean bigger than regular pianos. It was followed closely by an anvil, a really big rock, a bus, and a few bunnies.  
  
NEO: Wow, how'd THAT happen?  
  
MORPHEUS: *shrugs* Probably some kind of plot device. Anyway, it was Jim Carrey who freed the first of us. He wore a funny mask, had a million pets, tried to steal all our Christmas presents, occasionally went into odd fits of schizophrenia, asked us stupid riddles and laughed weird, and used to be friends with a kid that had stunted growth. I think his name was Simon. Doesn't matter...he died anyway.  
  
NEO: *sniffles* That's SO SAD! *starts sobbing*  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah. Sure is. Uh-huh. Like I was saying...after Jim Carrey died, the Oracle prophesied his return, and that basically when he came back the Matrix would go bye-bye.  
  
NEO: Like Kansas?  
  
MORPHEUS: You bet. And guess what?! Lucky you, I think YOU'RE the one who is the One!  
  
NEO: Uhh...  
  
MORPHEUS: You're Jim Carrey reincarnated.  
  
NEO: Reeee-heeee-heeeaaaaally?  
  
MORPHEUS: You bet. God, why do I keep saying that!?  
  
NEO: I dunno.  
  
MORPHEUS: Get some rest. You're gonna need it. Savvy?  
  
NEO: Okay.  
  
MORPHEUS: Good. Savvy?  
  
NEO: Sure.  
  
MORPHEUS: Okay. I'll be going now so you can rest. Savvy?  
  
NEO: ...I think Jack Sparrow has taken over your brain...  
  
MORPHEUS/JACK: Whatever gave you that idea, love? GAH!  
  
NEO: o_O I am VERY uncomfortable...  
  
MORPHEUS/JACK: Well 'ow do ya think I feel? Bloody 'ell, I just called you 'love'!  
  
NEO: YEAH! THAT'S ICKY!  
  
MORPHEUS/JACK: Yeah! Savvy?  
  
NEO: GO AWAYYYY!!!  
  
MORPHEUS/JACK: Okie-dokie. I mean...err...  
  
TRINITY: *walks in* Hey, Morpheus, do we have any more...  
  
MORPHEUS/JACK: Whoa! And what's YOUR name, pray tell?  
  
TRINITY: You know my name, silly! It's Trinity!  
  
MORPHEUS/JACK: Aye, Trinity...That's a lovely name. Ya know, I'm 98% chum-free!  
  
TRINITY: Uhh...  
  
MORPHEUS/JACK: Wanna shiver me timbers?  
  
TRINITY: AHHH!!! *runs away at full speed*  
  
MORPHEUS/JACK: (chasing after Trinity) PREPARE TO BE BOARDED!  
  
NEO: Whoa...That was really weird...I think I need...  
  
MOUSE: Tasty Wheat?!  
  
NEO: No, I need a drink.  
  
MOUSE: But you can drink Tasty Wheat. Or maybe it's Tastee Wheat. Hell, go drink a snot and runny-egg smoothie!  
  
NEO: That's...uhhh...ooohhh...I think I'm gonna...  
  
MOUSE: NO! I'M WEARING CYPHER'S COMBAT BOOTS!  
  
NEO: Ugh...It's okay, I'm good.  
  
MOUSE: Cool. Hey, why am I here, anyway?  
  
NEO: You've been written into the scene. Congrats to you! Yay!  
  
MOUSE: Yay! Tasty Wheat for everyone!  
  
NEO: I'm gonna...  
  
MOUSE: NO!  
  
NEO: Phew. I'm fine. Again...  
  
MOUSE: Good, 'cause for a second there I thought you were going to...  
  
NEO: *throws up*  
  
MOUSE: You know, the author has a weird sense of humor.  
  
AUTHOR: Yeah, and he's sick. Really.  
  
MOUSE: Then why are you writing this disgusting stuff?  
  
AUTHOR: So I'll get it out of my system. *throws up*  
  
MOUSE: Ohhh, I'm telling Cypher on you!  
  
AUTHOR: I don't care. I'm getting out of this story. Self-insertion is something that most people don't like.  
  
MOUSE: Awww...you're no fun. But hey! If you hate self-insertion, why'd you do it in the first place?  
  
*silence*  
  
MOUSE: Hello?  
  
*silence*  
  
MOUSE: Hello?  
  
NEO: Hi!  
  
MOUSE: AHHH!! Neo, you scared the crap out of me! Literally! Haven't you started training yet?  
  
NEO: Hmph...I suppose I should be asking YOU the same question, Mr. Poopypants.  
  
MOUSE: That's not nice! I'm gonna tell Cypher that you threw up on his combat boots!  
  
NEO: How bout some candy, and you forget I puked all over those nasty boots?  
  
MOUSE: Okie-dokie!  
  
So they had their fill of candy and tooth decay, and there was much rejoicing.  
  
AUDIENCE: Yay! We rejoice!  
  
But the author feels much too tired, sick, and delirious to carry on.  
  
AUDIENCE: Boo! We protest!  
  
But since this chapter is turning out unnecessarily long and random because of self-insertion and the powers of randomness, he will post this anyway, despite it still being only one scene...again.  
  
AUDIENCE: Yay!  
  
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Sorry about the self-insertion if it happens to be one of your peeves. And also sorry for the randomness if I got too far off track (another reason I stopped where I did). Anywho, I thank my nice reviewers who love me oh-so-much!  
  
The Farting Menace: As you noticed, no SpongeBob references this time. Not intentional, at least. But hey, you seem to be a movie buff (or have better movie memory than me, which isn't saying much)...I think you'll be able to name the movies referenced in that whole Jim Carrey section!  
  
smash: Nope, didn't know that. Thanks for telling me! And thanks for reviewing!  
  
theshiz: Yep, gurple hair. Gurple gurple gurple. And thanks for reading!  
  
Hobbit-eyes: Don't worry, I got revenge for you for the whole throwing up thing, lol, because I really AM sick right now! It sucks...anywho, I always look forward to updates of all your stories! I'm trying to think of a good idea for a PotC fic, but I can't think of one and my memory's not good enough to do a straight-up parody...MUST THINK!  
  
Link101: You know, I think you're the first one to have noticed (or at least said anything)! I got it kind of out of order, though, since at that point I hadn't heard "Albuquerque" in a really long time...it was a miracle that I actually remembered everything that was said in the donut shop (but now that I think about it, I'm not sure if I did...). Anyway, thanks for reading!  
  
lazy kaitou: Yeah, I watch Seinfeld A LOT! Hey, I actually LIKE that show! I can remember how much I hated it when the final episode came on and my parents insisted I watch it...I just wasn't mature enough back then. Or maybe immature...oh, I dunno. And there were no cats because Neo's allergic. Everyone should be allergic to cats *nods* Uhh...that's just the medicine talking, don't mind me...  
  
Next chapter will hopefully be up sometime soon! Look for it here! Or at least somewhere in this dimension! I'm off to sleep...you know you're sick and delirious from medicine when you wanna dance to Jewel whenever her music comes on the radio...*shudders* Oh, one more thing! Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Play on your hornpipes! Uncork the bung holes! Don't be perverted about that last statement! It's a piratey term! Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho! 


	9. Poopy! I'll kick your avast for that!

A/N: Lookie! I'm back! Finally! Thanks to all who reviewed, I'll have 100 by the time this is over, and that's just neato! Yeah, so I've read parodies that were already at the 100 mark at this point, but we all know I'm UNPOPULAR! *sniff* Anyway, I hope this one's as good as the others, as I currently haven't thought of any jokes to use...  
  
Disclaimer: Still don't own the Matrix. So leash your rabid lawyers and make them stop crapping on my lawn!!!  
  
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Chapter 9  
  
We last left off our heroes (if you can really call them that) eating candy and getting every form of gum disease known to man (and some not known to man). Little did they know that the candy had...bum bum buuuuuum...SUGAR in it!!!  
  
NEO: Hehehehehehe sugar. Hehehehehehehe....  
  
MOUSE: *running in circles* Tastee Wheat Tastee Wheat Tastee Wheat Tastee Wheat Tastee Wheat Tastee Wheat...TASTEE WHEAT!!!! *runs out the door*  
  
NEO: WAIT FOR ME!!!  
  
Unfortunately, the crew is SUPPOSED to be asleep. So the lights are all out.  
  
NEO: *crashes into random computer* OW!!!  
  
RANDOM COMPUTER: How do you think I feel?!  
  
NEO: AHHH!!! ANOTHER TALKING COMPUTER!!!  
  
RC: Well duh, we're very common in the real world *starts laughing*  
  
NEO: What's so funny?  
  
RC: You're standing on your friend's face.  
  
NEO: *gasps* I am?! *bends down* Sorry, Bun-Bun, I didn't know you were in the real world too! *lifts up Mouse*  
  
MOUSE: Who's Bun-Bun?  
  
NEO: ...my rabbit. But you're not him. *puts Mouse back down and steps on his face again*  
  
MOUSE: Ow...pain...  
  
RC: You're an imbecile. You should be jealous of pond scum, as its IQ is no doubt at least ten times yours. I feel embarrassed for your parents for ever...  
  
NEO: *sniff* That's not nice! I must sulk!!!! *walks away, sulking*  
  
Various scenes of lights turning on and stuff. You know, more boring, unnecessary time-filling type things.   
  
NEO: *sitting in little hallway thing, singing* Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna go EAT WORMS! *rocks back and forth*  
  
TANK: Hi Neo ol' buddy ol' pal! Didya sleep?  
  
NEO: *starts shaking head*  
  
TANK: Aww, that sucks, you will tonight though. I guarantee it.  
  
NEO: You gonna put drugs in my...?  
  
TANK: In your food? You bet.  
  
NEO: Stop interrupting me or I'll kick your...  
  
TANK: *shakes finger* Nuh-uh, no swearing.  
  
NEO: Shut up or I'll kick your...  
  
TANK: *gives a warning look*  
  
NEO: ...avast. I'll kick your avast.  
  
TANK: Good. Well, bad, but at least you suppressed your rage.  
  
NEO: But I just threatened you!  
  
TANK: Whatever. Hi, I'm Tank, I'll be your operator!  
  
NEO: You're gonna operate on me?  
  
TANK: You bet. You ate too much candy last night.  
  
NEO: How did you know I was eating candy?  
  
TANK: Err...  
  
NEO: Were you SPYING on me?!  
  
TANK: No. I was spying on Mouse.  
  
NEO: Oh, okay. Hey...you don't have any...  
  
TANK: *sighs* look, it wasn't by choice, okay? It was just an accident involving a chainsaw and an alarm clock!  
  
NEO: o_O What are YOU talking about?  
  
TANK: *looks around, then whispers in Neo's ear*  
  
NEO: Ooooh, ouch.  
  
TANK: Yeah.  
  
NEO: But actually, I was talking about holes.  
  
TANK: That's a cool book, my older brother reminds me of Zero! He doesn't talk and can't read!  
  
DOZER: HEY! I HEARD THAT!!!  
  
TANK: Erm...yeah, you were talking about the holes in your body?  
  
NEO: Yes.  
  
TANK: Ah. Well, nope, sure nuff I don't got none o' them holes. They cramp my style.  
  
NEO: Uhh...  
  
TANK: Nah, I was just born in the real world like my brother was.  
  
NEO: Cool. So what's Zion?  
  
TANK: Neo, you hafta let me finish my line where I actually MENTION Zion before you ask me that.  
  
NEO: Oh...sorry, go ahead.  
  
TANK: I'm a genuine child of Zion.  
  
NEO: Zion?  
  
TANK: If the war was over tomorrow, that's where the party would be.  
  
NEO: But what's Zion?  
  
TANK: Then again, we may have a party anyway, we always do after some kind of big inspirational speech.  
  
NEO: And Zion is...?  
  
TANK: But I suppose they're more like big, disgusting orgies.  
  
NEO: Tell me what Zion is or I'll kick your...  
  
TANK: *glares*  
  
NEO: ...avast.  
  
TANK: Thank you. Zion is a city.  
  
NEO: What a gay name.  
  
TANK: I'm standing right here.  
  
NEO: That's nice, but I wasn't calling your name gay, was I? Nooooo.  
  
TANK: I don't care. You insulted my city!  
  
NEO: How is "happy" an insult? Zion sounds like a happy name...it's the name of this church I saw once in Florida...and churches are pleasant. Well, unless you have to go IN them, but that's beside the point.  
  
TANK: Yeah, okay. You might see it if you don't die a slow, painful, horrible death. That's right, Neo, you DON'T wanna DIE before you can see ZION, do you?  
  
NEO: Are you foreshadowing something?  
  
TANK: Who, me? *looks around* No, not at all. Um...well, anyway, time to start your training!  
  
NEO: Cool, do I get to use a Stairmaster? Or a treadmill? Or a steppy stool with annoying dance music? Or a big, gigantic, large, huge, enormous, gargantuan rubber ball?  
  
TANK: No, I'm just gonna stab a giant needle in your head and look at some annoying mini-disks. And you'll enjoy every minute of it.  
  
NEO: Oh, okay.  
  
CUT TO: PLUGGY ROOM, WHERE NEO IS PLUGGED IN AND TANK IS IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER SCREENS.  
  
TANK: Well, we're supposed to start off with these operational programs, but they're major boring poopy...  
  
NEO: Poopy?  
  
TANK: Well, you know, no cursing. There are small children on this ship.  
  
NEO: Oh, so THAT'S why I can't say...  
  
TANK: *glare*  
  
NEO: ...avast. But couldn't it mean donkey?  
  
TANK: Why call it an avast when you can just call it a donkey?  
  
NEO: Well, it would have one less syllable under normal circumstances.  
  
TANK: Whatever. How about we do something more interesting?  
  
NEO: *looks at screen* Calculus? I'm gonna learn...calculus?  
  
TANK: You bet.  
  
NEO: I thought you said I was going to do some not-boring stuff!  
  
TANK: Neo, I said interesting, not fun.  
  
NEO: Ah. Damn the author and his script changing!!  
  
AUTHOR *innocent look*  
  
TANK: Nah, you can learn this!  
  
NEO: *squints* DOA? What's that?  
  
TANK: You'll see...  
  
NEO: *looks constipated as veins start popping out of his neck*  
  
TANK: Did I load the right program?  
  
NEO: *stops looking constipated* Holy poopy!  
  
TANK: Hey, Mikey, I think he likes it!  
  
NEO: Who's Mikey?  
  
TANK: Who gives a rat's avast? Poopy! You want some more?  
  
NEO: Sure, why not?  
  
TANK: Well, it might make you constipated again.  
  
NEO: Well, you know, constipated people just don't give a crap.  
  
TANK: Quite true!  
  
MORPHEUS: How's he doing?  
  
TANK: Ten hours straight. He's a machine! *cough cough*  
  
MORPHEUS: Are you trying to foreshadow something?  
  
TANK: I dunno.  
  
NEO: I know every single combo for Kasumi!  
  
MORPHEUS: Show me. Tank...IT'S TIME TO BUST OUT THE PS2!  
  
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A/N: I've decided it's easier to do one scene. So I think it'll be like that for the most part. Hope you don't mind, I think you should at least be glad that I have TIME to update...I sure am...oh, and thanks to my reviewers!  
  
lazy kaitou: Sheesh, always so lazy. Wake up, Sora, you lazy bum! Gah! Kairi! NOOOOOOOO! Anywho, Tastee Wheat (as I learned that is the correct spelling, though I'll probably still type 'Tasty Wheat' as it makes more sense and gives me one less annoying red line in Word) is just something Mouse thought up. At least as far as I know. He goes into a bunch of philosophy on chicken as well. Yeah, I went to a site that has a pirate glossary and translator (didn't use it for Jack's cameo, as he doesn't overuse the pirate talk). Pretty nifty indeed. And thank you, I got better (kinda bad if I had a two week long stomach virus thing...).  
  
The Farting Menace: Indeed, that was a challenge. I actually hoped more people would try it. Well, you got all of them right, except, of course, the one you didn't know. That one was Simon Birch, which was a pretty sad movie and Jim Carrey really only did narration (I think) and was at the very beginning and the very end. A million bazillion kjaakjdsillion cookie points for you (I made up that number, must think of what it is equal to...). Oh, and about the ones I left out...I didn't think about Liar Liar (TOTALLY forgot!) and as for The Truman Show and Dumb and Dumber...I haven't actually seen them all the way through! I can't believe it!!! You were really hyper...is it my writing? Ah well...hopefully more piratey references soon (there was one in this chapter, noticeably, that me and my friend made up whenever we had the urge to curse in front of small children...).  
  
theshiz: Wow. Yeah! Wait...who's Emilio Estevez again? I know I've heard of him...I know I have...was he married to Gloria Estefan? Or am I just getting confused because their names are similar...was it Paula Abdul, maybe? Gah, I can't remember...what kinda movie stuff's he in? Hey...I shoulda given you a cameo when Neo was stepping on Mouse's face...you could save your true love, lol.  
  
Hobbit-eyes: Well, the whole sickbay beaming thing...hmm...you know, I have no clue where I got that from...kinda like something you'd expect to see in Blazing Saddles or an Airplane movie...Oh, and with the whole throwing up thing...yeah, that's just my weird, twisted sense of humor. I think I'm done now...maybe...but I really WAS sick then, so if my stomach was any weaker, well...you know. But let me see...I swear I had something else to say...meh, I'll think about it.  
  
The Artema: Yeah, the ellipse battle was an example of how silence is truly golden. But that whole thing was made up between me and my friend, where I said something stupid (over IM) and she just said (well, typed, but you get the point) "..." And then I just commented on how that's technically an insult so we started randomly going "... .. . ....... ... . ..............!!!!" Ah, good times, lol. And thanks for the soup, we actually had some for dinner even though I felt better by the time it was ready. Oh, by the way, Chibi Neo won't stop flying around my bedroom...I keep telling him he's gonna hit the ceiling fan...kinda reminds me of all those creatures people send after Hobbit-eyes, threatening her to update...not that I'm ENVIOUS of her and her Wob-Wob and its offspring and various mutated animals and rubber chickens. I really prefer keeping brownies for myself, thank you very much.  
  
Trinity36706: Aww, now you made me feel bad for making you come close to death. You know what they say about knocking on Death's door...don't do it! Ring the doorbell and run, he hates it when you do that! Oh, and here I am. Writing. Writing EXTREMELY long callouts. Running out of things to say. Let's see...uhh...nope, nothing. Nothing to say...uhh...yes, I suppose I am happy you almost laughed yourself to death, now that I think about it *evil laughter comes out of nowhere* Ahem...anyway, I didn't mean that. Really. I never wish bad stuff on my reviewers...I need every single one I can get!!  
  
Ashy: Wow, lots to talk about. Okay...so Cypher's goggles were X ray goggles? COOL! And don't get all scientifical...you've read the story, you know the audience isn't exactly the brightest bunch! Yeah, I'll sell you a red pill...won't be a trace program, just some allergy and sinus medicine...but it'll make you sleepy! I love the cold! It's finally getting COLD in FLORIDA! Isn't that AWESOME?!?!?!?!?! Morpheus was born in the X-Mart across town near that Steak 'n' Shake and all those Chinese restaurants, apparently...*shudders* BAD image! BAD image!!! 75 cents? Who's giving you 75 cents? Certainly not me! Mwahahahaha!!! Oh, well if you tore yourself away from Kenshin...fine, I'll give you money. Yes, ferrets beep. I thought I made him beep at my party before we all ran outside an had a silly string battle...oh well. And your review was for chapter 4, so I could only assume that you hadn't read up to six...WHICH YOU DIDN'T!!! You went up to MA while I was in WPB and I didn't even have chapter 6 DONE then! SO NYAAAA!! Yes, proofs are evil. Easy, but evil...*sigh* Geometry is so easy...I've almost got half a credit already, didya know that? I proud of myself. I'll try to remember to call the Neb OEAF from now on (and for people reading this, OEAF does not stand for anything...it's just a result of random keyboard typing...).  
  
I hope you're all happy about your much longer than usual thank yous and such. I was just bored when I was doing them, and rambled on and on and on and on and on and on...you get the point. Please review, they make me feel happy! 


	10. Jumping, zooming, FWOOSHing, and some po...

A/N: Don't hate me because I'm evil and take forever to update. When was my last update, anyway? *checks FF.Net* GASP! ALMOST TWO WEEKS?! Damn, I SHOULD feel bad…but I don't. Maybe it has something to do with "absence of soul". Hmm…oh, and a couple of my friends have cameos here. Well, quite a few of them do. Don't mind them, just added for extra randomness. The thing about the towel is from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and everything else is from random places.  
  
Disclaimer: Didn't I say in the first chapter that I would stop writing these? Hmm…wow, I say "Hmm…" a lot. Anyway. Me. No. Own. Matrix. MNOM! So all you lawyers cleverly disguising yourselves as telemarketers (they say things like "Have you recently written a parody of a film without written consent of the creators and with an absent disclaimer?" Almost fooled me.) need to get away from me. I won't hesitate to create lawyer repellent.  
  
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Chapter 10  
  
SCENE: DOJO! MORPHEUS, YET AGAIN, IS POSING AS VANNA WHITE AND DOING AN ARM SWEEPY THING.  
  
MORPHEUS: This is a sparring program, kinda like the reality of the Matrix.  
  
NEO: *looks around* Aww, I thought we were gonna fight!  
  
MORPHEUS: *mumbling* Note to self: have Tank download the latest thesaurus into Neo.  
  
NEO: Hey, I can hear you. You're mumbling a little too loudly.  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, whatever.  
  
NEO: Yep. So this is like…the Matrix?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, like totally dude. It has the same rules. Like gravity. It's like a computer system, blah blah blah, rules bent and broken, blah blah, you following me?  
  
NEO: Yeah, sure.  
  
MORPHEUS: Good. Cause none of that crap matters. We're here to play video games!  
  
(A big screen TV and a PS2 pop up out of nowhere)  
  
NEO: Cool!!!!  
  
MORPHEUS: You say you know all of Kasumi's combos?  
  
NEO: Yeah!  
  
MORPHEUS: Then hit me…if you can. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!  
  
(The game loads. Neo is playing as Kasumi, and Morpheus is playing as Hayabusa.)  
  
NEO: Heeeeey, how come I have to play as the girl? *sulks*  
  
MORPHEUS: Because you chose to.  
  
NEO: Oh. Right.  
  
(They go on playing Dead or Alive for awhile, Neo constantly failing to beat up Morpheus.)  
  
MORPHEUS: You suck!!!  
  
NEO: Well…well…you're…you're a little girly ninja man!  
  
MORPHEUS: Nuh-uh! I'm a shinobi! And I have my own video game, so BEAT THAT!  
  
NEO: Ninja Gaiden? Pfft, is that the best you have?!  
  
(Apparently, Neo and Morpheus have been sucked into the game, and are now talking to each other as if they are really characters from the game. Morpheus is in Hayabusa's outfit with a ninja mask and a sword that, like many fighters with swords, he is unable to use. Neo is in a blue and white dress thing.)  
  
MORPHEUS: W00T! I own you, n00b!  
  
NEO: I can take that in sooooo many ways…  
  
MORPHEUS: Stop being perverted and HIT ME!!  
  
NEO: I would, but you keep breaking my arms and throwing me really high in the sky and slamming me down on my head and shoving me into jagged rocks and tossing me off cliffs and this has to be the longest run-on sentence I've ever spoken!  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…  
  
MOUSE: *runs into the cafeteria/dining room/whatever you wanna call it* Neo's wearing a blue and white dress thing!  
  
EVERYONE: …  
  
MOUSE: You can see his panties!  
  
EVERYONE: …o_O  
  
MOUSE: And he's fighting Morpheus!  
  
EVERYONE: …  
  
(Crickets chirp)  
  
MOUSE: …Who's dressed in a ninja suit!  
  
EVERYONE: COOL! *runs out*  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE GAME…  
  
NEO: Come on, Morpheus…  
  
MORPHEUS: What?  
  
NEO: You keep grabbing my fist when I try to punch you and then you go and throw me off a cliff! That's no way to treat a lady! Err…I mean…me!  
  
MORPHEUS: Well duh, that's how you defend! It's called a counterattack.  
  
NEO: Don't try to confuse me with big words. I know a word with THREE syllables, so HA!  
  
MORPHEUS: *clapping rhythmically* Coun-ter-a-ttack. Hmm…that has four syllables.  
  
NEO: NOOO!!! I'm CONFUSED!!!  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…  
  
NEO: *twitch*  
  
CYPHER: *smirk*  
  
TRINITY: *drool* Oh, uhh…*serious look*  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE GAME…NEO AND MORPHEUS ARE SITTING DOWN, TALKING TO EACH OTHER.  
  
NEO: Ambassador!  
  
MORPHEUS: Hmm…nope, still four syllables.  
  
NEO: Uhh…reanimation.  
  
MORPHEUS: Wow, that's a whopping FIVE syllables!  
  
NEO: Grrr….  
  
(Silence)  
  
MORPHEUS: So…  
  
NEO: …So…  
  
MORPHEUS: Wanna…beat the crap outta each other some more?  
  
NEO: Yeah, sure!  
  
(Morpheus does some cool stuff and wins)  
  
NEO: Grr…  
  
MORPHEUS: How did I beat you?  
  
NEO: You confused me with big words.  
  
MORPHEUS: No, the correct answer was "I suck, Morpheus, PLEASE take me under your wing and teach me all the cool stuff you know because you are AWESOME and deserve to be paid much money."  
  
NEO: Nah.   
  
MORPHEUS: Fine. Fight me…again!  
  
SWITCH: Dammit, I hoped it was over so Neo could take off that damn dress.  
  
TRINITY: SHHHHHHH!!!! *smacks Switch*  
  
MOUSE: Jeebus Christo, he's fast! He's like…zoom!  
  
EVERYONE: Zoom zoom zoom!  
  
TANK: Yeah, zoomzoom zoomzoom.  
  
EVERYONE: Zoom zoom zoom!  
  
DOZER: Yeah zoomzoomzoom, yeah zoomzoomzoom…  
  
MOUSE: …and some other stuff's above normal and I'll shut up since you're all gonna just steal my sparse lines. Evil people.  
  
EVERYONE: Evil will prevail because good is DUMB!  
  
MACHINES: Yay!  
  
AGENT SMITH: Miiiiister Aaaaanderson.  
  
JEWEL: CHEESECAKE!  
  
ASHLEY: WAFFO!  
  
NICOLE: GERBILS!  
  
RERE: I should've brought a towel…  
  
KEVIN: STREBLO!  
  
TRAVIS: One Spoon to bring them all and in the darkness bind them…  
  
JOSH: *laughs hysterically for no apparent reason*  
  
EVERYONE FROM THE MATRIX FILMS: *blink* Uhh…  
  
MOUSE: That was really weird…  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE GAME…  
  
NEO: Mwahahahahahahaha! I'm WINNING! YAY!!! *stops before hitting Morpheus* I know what you're trying to do. You're a spy working for the butterflies and you've come to steal my brain for them! It's a conspiracy, I tell you!!!  
  
MORPHEUS: Uhh…Hey, Tank, load the jump program; the author's not feeling lazy!  
  
EVERYONE: Yay!  
  
(Neo and Morpheus are like…FWOOSH! down onto the top of a building. Neo, thank God, is no longer wearing that dress.)  
  
NEO: Why are you still wearing that ninja suit?  
  
MORPHEUS: Uhh…because it's cool?  
  
NEO: Oh. Okay.  
  
MORPHEUS: This is the jump program. It's a program. Where you jump.  
  
NEO: Oh, I'm glad you explained that, I was totally confused.  
  
MORPHEUS: Yep. You gotta let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, disbelief, and various other things like that. Free your mind. Those are my last words. I will now commit suicide and leave this pitiful existence.  
  
(Scene suddenly turns soap opera-like)  
  
NEO: No! You can't go!  
  
MORPHEUS: You do not understand. I must go. It is for…  
  
(dramatic pause)  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…  
  
TRINITY: Oh…MY…GOD! This is so SAD!! *starts crying*  
  
SWITCH: Waaaaaaaaah!! *starts crying*  
  
CYPHER: Oh, boo-hoo. *tries to hug Trinity*  
  
TRINITY: Try it and you'll never have kids.  
  
CYPHER: Dammit.  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE JUMPY PROGRAM…  
  
(dramatic pause continuing)  
  
MORPHEUS: …the best. Goodbye.  
  
NEO: Nooooooooo!!!  
  
(Morpheus runs towards the edge of the building, then jumps and lands on a roof a bazillion miles away.)  
  
MORPHEUS: COME ON, NEO!  
  
NEO: How can I hear you? I can't see you!  
  
MORPHEUS: I jumped around the world! I'm on the building right behind you!  
  
NEO: Oh. Well then can't I just…you know, jump the three feet to that building rather than jump around the world?  
  
MORPHEUS: No. You have to attempt the impossibly long jump and fail miserably so we can all laugh at you.  
  
NEO: Oh. Okay.  
  
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…  
  
MOUSE: What if he makes it?  
  
TANK: He won't.  
  
MOUSE: But what if he does?  
  
APOC: HE WON'T!  
  
MOUSE: But what if…?  
  
EVERYONE: HE WON'T, DAMMIT!  
  
MOUSE: Jeez, you guys sure have a lot of faith in him.  
  
BACK TO THE JUMP PROGRAM…  
  
NEO: Okey-dokey. Free my mind. No problem. Free it. FREE!! *starts singing* Booooorn freeeee, as free as the wind blows, as free as the graaaass grows…  
  
MORPHEUS: JUST GO ALREADY!  
  
NEO: *jumps and falls* Ahhhhhh!  
  
(Neo hits the street and bounces back up)  
  
BUGS BUNNY: That's right, contrary to popular belief, Keanu Reeves is the star of the new Looney Tunes film, not Brendan Fraser. I mean…ehh, what's up doc? *chews on carrot*  
  
NEO: *gets unplugged* I think I'm bleeding…  
  
MORPHEUS: Naw, you think? Your face only slammed into the PAVEMENT.  
  
FANGIRL 1: NOOO!! My beautiful Keanu's face is RUINED!  
  
FANGIRL 2: RUINED? And what do you mean YOUR Keanu?  
  
FANGIRL 3: YEAH! Back off, he's MINE!  
  
(A fight breaks out among the fangirls of the audience)  
  
LATER…  
  
TRINITY: HERE'S SOME DINNER, NEO!!!  
  
NEO: *asleep*  
  
TRINITY: OH, SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ASLEEP!  
  
NEO: *snores*  
  
TRINITY: OKAY, I'LL JUST LEAVE IT RIGHT HERE! *leaves*  
  
CYPHER: I don't remember you ever bringing ME dinner.  
  
TRINITY: That's because you were ASLEEP!  
  
CYPHER: Oh. There's something about him, isn't there?   
  
TRINITY: Yeah, he stinks. He forgot to bring deodorant to the real world.  
  
CYPHER: Ah. Well Morpheus should take him to see the Oracle. She'd know how to get rid of that intolerable stink.  
  
TRINITY: Ohh, INTOLERABLE. That's like…FIVE syllables! You're smart, aren't you?  
  
NEO: Yes I am.  
  
TRINITY: You're asleep.  
  
NEO: Oh, right.  
  
TRINITY: Anywho, he'll take him when he's ready.  
  
CYPHER: Ahh, pronouns. I love their un-specificity.  
  
TRINITY: Yep.  
  
CYPHER: Uh-huh.  
  
WACHOWSKIS: Hey, we have an idea! Let's confuse people by switching the scene to the Matrix again!  
  
AUDIENCE: Nooooooooo!!!  
  
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A/N: Hope you guys are happy, I wrote a longer chapter again! Yay! Reviewers...THANK YOU!!  
  
The Farting Menace: Yeah, Simon Birch was kinda boring. Coulda been because I was about 8 when I saw it...anywho, I saw the beginning of The Truman Show and I kinda thought it was boring. *ducks* PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! And yay! My fic is now educational!  
  
Hobbit-eyes: Yeah, Holes is a good book. And that observation of Dozer came out of nowhere...and....yeah. Thought I was gonna say something...oh yeah! I got this invitation thing to go to Europe where we'd spend a few days in London, and then we go to Paris and places in Italy and Greece and stuff! Dunno why I'm telling you...*shrugs* But I know I won't be able to go 'cause it'll cost $5000...grrr...  
  
Selina Enriquez: Glad you like it so much! I try to be funny, and I'm glad that it's working!  
  
theshiz: Ohh, THAT'S who Emilio Estevez is...I knew that...*cough cough* Anyway, thanks for telling me! I guess if I wasn't so lazy I could've gone to that site where you can search for actors and stuff...yeah.  
  
Thank you, reviewers! Do it again! Do it again! 


	11. Neo's Illiteracy and the Attack of the A...

A/N: Back! Early! Be happy!  
  
Disclaimer: I have almost perfected my lawyer repellent. Only problem with it now is that rather than repelling lawyers, it attracts crebain. The kind from Fangorn. And I live in the USA. MILES away from Middle Earth. Ah, well. TARGET PRACTICE!! *crebain fly away quickly*  
  
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Chapter 11  
  
SCENE: A SIGN DEPICTING A GUY STANDING. HE IS RED. THAT PROBABLY MEANS HE'S ANGRY AND ABOUT TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. THAT OR IT'S A SIGN FOR PEOPLE TO NOT WALK.  
  
(The sign changes to a green man walking. The green probably means that the red man has turned into a leprechaun with a flamethrower rather than spontaneously combusting. A mob of people start walking, and Morpheus, like a salmon, goes in the opposite direction of all the people. Either this is a symbolic training simulation, or they're in a really big city where people have no manners. Or both.)  
  
MORPHEUS: *walking easily through the crowd* The Matrix is a system, Neo.  
  
NEO: *bumps into random guy* Hey! Watch where you're going!  
  
MORPHEUS: And that system is our enemy.  
  
NEO: Then does that mean we've been eaten by our arch nemesis? Isn't that what always happens in Resident Evil?  
  
MORPHEUS: Depends on if you think Umbrella Corp is the enemy for creating the T-Virus or if you believe the enemy is the big zombie with spiky hands and tentacles and exposed vital organs that you have to kill at the end.  
  
NEO: Uhh…the second one? *runs into another person* HEY!  
  
MORPHEUS: Anywho, what do you see when you're inside? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters…  
  
NEO: I saw a nun! I ran into her and she hit me over the head with a big book! Something called "The Holly Bibbel".  
  
MORPHEUS: *mumbling* Another note to self: have Tank download entire Hooked on Phonics series into Neo.  
  
NEO: Can you repeat that? I didn't hear what you were saying.  
  
MORPHEUS: That was the point.  
  
NEO: Oh. Okay, continue on then.  
  
MORPHEUS: We're trying to save these people. Until we do, these people are a part of that system, and are therefore our enemies.  
  
NEO: So, you're saying we tell them about the Matrix, shoot them in the faces, or change them into bars of soap for Cypher to use?  
  
POLICE OFFICER: THE HORROR! THE HORROR! *runs away screaming*  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, pretty much. But you have to understand that most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. They might wake up, go psycho, and vomit in my ship.  
  
NEO: Look, I apologized for that, isn't that enough?  
  
MORPHEUS: No.  
  
NEO: Fine. How about to make up for it I save your sorry drugged-up ass if you ever get taken hostage by Agents and forced to give away the access codes to Zion's mainframe?  
  
MORPHEUS: Deal!  
  
NEO: Yay!  
  
MORPHEUS: Were you listening to me, Neo, or looking at the woman in the red dress?  
  
NEO: Uhh…you weren't saying anything.  
  
MORPHEUS: Just say yes.  
  
NEO: Yes.  
  
MORPHEUS: Good. Now look again.  
  
NEO: Well, I didn't actually see her in the FIRST PLACE, so…  
  
MORPHEUS: Just turn around!  
  
NEO: Okay. *turns around to see the gun of Agent Smith*  
  
SMITH: I'm baaaaaaaack, Miiiiiiiiiiister Aaaaa…  
  
MORPHEUS: Freeze it!  
  
(Everyone stops moving. Agent Smith still has his gun raised, and his mouth opened in an odd way, due to being stopped in the middle of talking. Neo has wet himself thinking he'd be shot, when Jamie Kennedy comes out of nowhere)  
  
JAMIE KENNEDY: Neo, you've been Xed! You're on the Jamie Kennedy Experiment!  
  
NEO: Like, oh my God. Oh. My. GOD! Are you serious?!  
  
JK: Look at the hidden camera, it's right over there! *points*  
  
(Neo looks and sees an elephant with a large camera-like device on its back)  
  
NEO: Wow, I never would've expected a camera to be on the back of a giant elephant in the middle of a large city! You're so good at hiding those cameras!  
  
JK: Thank you! You are the stupidest, most idiotic person I have ever met. Bye!  
  
NEO: Bye!  
  
MORPHEUS: *laughing insanely* HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!! That was the BEST!  
  
NEO: I know, right? It was like, totally WHOA when he came out! And that elephant? MOST EXCELLENT!  
  
MORPHEUS: DUDE!  
  
NEO: DUDE! This is like, totally not the Matrix, is it?  
  
MORPHEUS: No!  
  
NEO: SWEET!  
  
MORPHEUS: This…is another training thing, designed to teach you one thing: if you're not one of us, you're one of them.  
  
NEO: More pronouns. Lovely.  
  
(Neo walks up behind Agent Smith and puts his hand below Smith's mouth. He then moves his hand up and down and talks in an annoying, deep voice.)  
  
NEO: Hi, I'm Agent Smith. I'm a them. What is them?  
  
MORPHEUS: You mean "What are they?", Neo, it's basic subject-verb agreement.  
  
NEO: Whatever.  
  
MORPHEUS: Them are sentient programs. They move in and out of software hardwired to their system. They are everyone…and they are no one.  
  
NEO: Sounds like either a serious identity crisis or you're just trying to confuse me with the world's biggest oxymoron.  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, probably that second one. We, being the chickens that we are, always run and hide from Agents. They're the gatekeepers. They're guarding all the doors and holding all the keys.  
  
NEO: Sounds like a boring job.  
  
MORPHEUS: Maybe, but it means that we'll eventually have to fight them. Well, YOU'LL have to fight them.  
  
NEO: Me?  
  
MORPHEUS: I won't lie to you, Neo. Everyone that has stood their ground against an Agent has died. I've seen an Agent punch through a concrete wall. Men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air…  
  
NEO: Well, THAT'S sure a morale booster.  
  
MORPHEUS: But, look on the bright side: they won't be as fast or strong as you can be.  
  
NEO: What are you trying to tell me?  
  
MORPHEUS: That you're gonna be fighting all the Agents for us, bucko.  
  
NEO: So I can dodge bullets?  
  
MORPHEUS: No, I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.  
  
NEO: So I just let them shoot me?  
  
MORPHEUS: NO! *goes into a flashback with all the stupid remarks Neo has made and the vomit fiasco* …on second thought…yeah, you go right ahead.  
  
NEO: I dunno, it kinda seems suicidal…  
  
MORPHEUS: *hack hack, cough cough*  
  
(cell phone rings)  
  
PHONE: We got trouble.  
  
CUT TO: NEBUCH…NEBA…CUT TO: THE NEB, GOING THROUGH TUNNELS…OF THE REAL!!!  
  
NEB: ZOOM!  
  
NEO: Zoom zoom zoom!  
  
EVERYONE: SHUT UP!  
  
(Morpheus runs into the cockpit and jumps into his seat. Neo and Trinity are running in as well, and they both fall over.)  
  
NEO: Man! Who's driving this thing?  
  
(Morpheus turns around.)  
  
NEO: Ah, no wonder.  
  
MORPHEUS: Didn't you see? I turned on the fasten seatbelt sign! You should be in your seats!  
  
TRINITY: But our seats are up here!  
  
DOZER: No they're not. We moved them.  
  
TRINITY: Where to?  
  
MORPHEUS: The top of the ship.  
  
NEO: Which side's the top? Which way is up? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SPINNING SO MUCH?!  
  
MORPHEUS: It looks cool.  
  
NEO: Oh, okay.  
  
MORPHEUS: (to Dozer) So anyway, did Zion send word?  
  
DOZER: Naw homie, another ship did. It was from my dawgs on that ship that was in that tunnel.  
  
MORPHEUS: I just love your mind-boggling specificity.  
  
DOZER: You love my WHAT?  
  
MORPHEUS: Specificity.  
  
DOZER: That's like…*counts on fingers* FIVE syllables! How am I supposed to know what THAT means?  
  
MORPHEUS: Neo, you teach Zero here how to read, okay?  
  
NEO: Can I dig holes instead?  
  
MORPHEUS: No, you might get attacked by yellow-spotted lizards.  
  
NEO: Whoop-dee-freakin-doo, they're just LIZARDS.  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, big, scary, red-eyed lizards with pointy black teeth *does hand-protruding-from-mouth teeth sign like Tim from Monty Python and the Holy Grail*  
  
NEO: You know, you look really stupid when you do that.  
  
MORPHEUS: Thank you.  
  
NEB: HEY! I think you're FORGETTING something!! *shakes violently*  
  
TRINITY: WHOA! *grabs onto thing in the roof*  
  
MORPHEUS: Thanks for bringing up the 3-D holographic squiddy detecting radar!  
  
TRINITY: *looks around* Uhh…Yeah, sure, no problem.  
  
DOZER: SWEET MARY MOTHER OF JESUS SON OF GOD! A SQUIDDY'S COMING IN REAL QUICK!  
  
EVERYONE: …  
  
NEO: As in…one?  
  
DOZER: YEAH!  
  
NEO: What's a squiddy?  
  
TRINITY: Sentinel. A killing machine designed for one thing.  
  
NEO: …killing?  
  
DOZER: *like Mr. T* No, fool! Search and destroy!  
  
NEO: Oooooohh, I KNEW there was a difference!  
  
MORPHEUS: Set her down right over there. *points*  
  
NEO: Wasn't Nebucha-whateverhisnamewas a…guy?  
  
MORPHEUS: …Maaaaaaaaaaybe.  
  
NEB: *lands in conveniently ship-sized tunnel*  
  
EVERYONE STANDING: *fall over after landing*  
  
MORPHEUS: (into radio thing) How we doing, Tank?  
  
TANK: Well, doesn't look like anyone's injured after that horrible landing of yours.  
  
MORPHEUS: That's not what I meant!  
  
TANK: Oh. Well…the power's off. And the EMP is armed…  
  
(long pause)  
  
MORPHEUS: Great, let's just wait and see what hap…  
  
TANK: …and ready.  
  
MORPHEUS: I think that was kinda redundant, but thanks for clearing that up.  
  
NEO: EMP?  
  
TRINITY: CNN. ABC. NBC. CBS. TNN. TCM. CMT.  
  
DOZER: BFG?  
  
MORPHEUS: MTV?  
  
TANK: ESP.  
  
SWITCH: *through clenched teeth* PMS…*attacks Cypher*  
  
TRINITY'S BRAIN: Isn't it a little too late for that?  
  
NEO: But WHAT'S AN EMP?!  
  
TRINITY: Electromagnetic pulse. It disables any electrical system in the blast radius.  
  
NEO: …Then wouldn't it disable this ship?  
  
TRINITY: I won't even bother explaining it. It's good enough, it's the only weapon we have against the machines.  
  
(Morpheus puts on a hat)  
  
NEO: What are you doing?  
  
MORPHEUS: Huh? Oh, this? *points to hat* Just in case I get to go skiing.  
  
NEO: Oooooooooookaaaaaay….Hey, where are we?  
  
TRINITY: Service and waste systems.  
  
NEO: …Sewers…Crap rivers…urine waterfalls…  
  
TRINITY: No, for the machines.  
  
NEO: Oh, good, that way I didn't have to get any more disgusting.  
  
TRINITY: There used to be cities here, that spanned for miles and miles, and these sewers are all that's left.  
  
MORPHEUS: SHUT UP!  
  
NEO & TRINITY: o_O  
  
MORPHEUS: I mean…be quiet.  
  
SQUIDDY #1: OMINOUS!  
  
NEO: Wow, that sure looks ominous.  
  
SQUIDDY #2: MORE OMINOUS!  
  
DOZER: *looks like he's on the brink of tears*  
  
SQUIDDY #2: LOOK AT SHIP AND SHOW CLAWS MENACINGLY!  
  
TRINITY: AHH! Mommy!  
  
SQUIDDY #2: SCAN SHIP WITH RADAR! BLINK A LOT! FIND NOTHING! FLY AWAY!  
  
DOZER: *sighs* That was close. I really had to pee before that squiddy came.  
  
NEO: As in…the past tense?  
  
DOZER: Yeah. But I don't have to go anymore.  
  
MORPHEUS: Right…I'll just be out here…*runs out of the cockpit*  
  
TRINITY: I…uhh…I left something in the oven! *runs away quickly*  
  
NEO: I…I…err…CHEESE MONKEYS! *runs away screaming*  
  
DOZER: Guys? Hey, guys? My seat's all wet…  
  
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A/N: Yay! A quickie update! Thank you much to all my wonderful reviewers (even though I didn't give all my reviewers time to review the last chapter. So thanks to my QUICK reviewers).  
  
Hobbit-eyes: Yeah, unless you have the equivalent of 5,000 U.S. dollars you can throw in my general direction, it ain't happening. Ah, well…I'll have to go when I get out of school, I've always wanted to visit! Antidisestablishmentarianism, huh? Yeah, that's a lot of syllables. Hey…I should've used that earlier when Agent Smith was there…Ah well. Maybe later. Maybe never (I have a bad habit of remembering things like that).  
  
The Farting Menace: Uhh…well, I saw it just last year, but then again it could've been the fact that my friend was sitting next to me saying "let's go outside let's go outside let's go outside" over and over again and being very spastic in general. So maybe I just wasn't able to enjoy it because of the distraction. And you caught the Spaceballs reference! Yay!  
  
alocin: Yes…yeeeeess…..the obsessive fangirls of DOOM! They will take over the world with their girly squeals at the mention of certain names, and will take over FF.Net with their Mary-Sues! GASP! Glad to know my parody is now an educational VIRUS…kinda scary, since my computer DID get a virus last week…it's cured, though (yay!).  
  
theshiz: I won't consider you an obsessive fangirl since you like the minority. The last thing I need is more squealing about Neo. You know what? Emilio doesn't really look like an Emilio…*shrugs*   
  
Next chapter up hopefully soon! 


	12. A Traitor is Pantsed! Err, Revealed!

A/N: And I am BACK! I took a little, tiny, itsy-bitsy (did I just say "itsy-bitsy"? *shudders*) break from writing, but now I'm back. Meesa get started now, okie-day? Oh, wait, beware of the random insertion of the word "pants".  
  
Disclaimer: No, lawyers, haven't created that repellent yet…so I don't own the Matrix…I DO own this story, however. So HA!  
  
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Chapter 12  
  
(The scene fades in with a bald guy sitting at a bunch of computers.)  
  
CYPHER: Ticka ticka, ticka. Tick ticka, tick tick ticka, like I know what the hell I'm typing.  
  
(A shadowy figure is seen walking up behind Cypher.)  
  
PART OF THE AUDIENCE: Watch out, Cypher!  
  
MOST OF THE AUDIENCE: *crosses fingers* Don't turn around don't turn around don't turn around…  
  
CYPHER: *turns around* WHOA!  
  
(We see that the shadowy figure is actually Neo, so we KNOW there's nothing to be scared of.)  
  
NEO: HEY!  
  
(Just telling it like it is. Neo seems more scared than Cypher.)  
  
NEO: I was NOT SCARED! Just…startled.  
  
CYPHER: Well, you scared the bejesus out of me.  
  
NEO: Hahaha…you said BEJESUS…I mean, sorry for scaring you, O old and bald one.  
  
CYPHER: It's okay. I didn't soil myself.  
  
NEO: Okaaaay…*looks at all the screens* Is that…?  
  
CYPHER: The Matrix?  
  
NEO: WOW, you read my mind! And I was under the impression that the Oracle was some old lady who would kill me with poisoned cookies.  
  
CYPHER: Neo, I'm not the Oracle. I just knew that's what you would say because, well, it's very Neo-like. Anyway, yes, the pretty green symbols are the Matrix.  
  
NEO: Do you always look at it encoded?  
  
CYPHER: Naaaw, it's just more FUN to decipher scrolling green code.  
  
NEO: Oh. That's what I thought.  
  
CYPHER: Yeah, you see, the image translators work for the construct program.  
  
NEO: Could you repeat that? All I heard was "Blah translators work blah blah blah blah program".  
  
CYPHER: Look, it doesn't matter, I'm just laying the groundwork for the next movies so people will understand more about the Matrix. I shall do it some more! There's too much information to decode the Matrix.  
  
NEO: *snores*  
  
CYPHER: Neo, are you listening to me?  
  
NEO: *yawns* Oh yeah, I can hear you loud and clear…  
  
CYPHER: Good. Look at the code. See how it looks like annoying green symbols falling down the screen? Well, I don't see the code. All I see are blondes, brunettes, redheads…  
  
NEO: *wakes up* Huh? WHERE?! I WANNA SEE!!!  
  
CYPHER: No. You don't. They're…they're…  
  
NEO: Lemme see! *looks* AHHH!! FANGIRLS!  
  
FANGIRL #1: I luv u, Keanuuuuu! lets mak bootyful babys!!!!  
  
FANGIRL #2: Marriee meeeee!!!  
  
FANGIRL #3: omg! he lookt at meeeeee! wee r so goinging owt!!!11!1!11!!111!1!!!  
  
NEO: Away! Get…them…AWAY!!!  
  
CYPHER: Okay. *whispers to fangirls, who have suddenly materialized on the ship*  
  
FANGIRLS: *run away*  
  
NEO: …what did you tell them?  
  
CYPHER: That Orlando Bloom was wandering the tunnels shirtless.  
  
NEO: Ooh, good one.  
  
CYPHER: I know. *suddenly becomes shifty* Hey, do you…want a drink?  
  
NEO: Are you…hitting on me?!  
  
CYPHER: Erm…uhh…no, whatever gave you THAT idea?  
  
NEO: I don't care…I NEED a drink, after all those fangirls.  
  
CYPHER: *hands Neo a drink* You know, I know what you're thinking, because I'm thinking the same thing.  
  
NEO: Again with the Oracleness…look, I know you know I'm thinking about why pants aren't edible, especially when people say, "Eat your shorts!" Wait…you're thinking about that too? What a coincidence!  
  
CYPHER: No. What I've been thinking is something that I've been thinking since I got here.  
  
NEO: Well, I've been thinking about that since I'VE gotten here.  
  
CYPHER: No, I was thinking something else: Why, oh, why didn't I take the BLUE pants? I-I mean…pill. The BLUE pill.  
  
NEO: Hahaha, you didn't take the blue pants!  
  
CYPHER: Yeah, well…you stared at the woman in the red pants!  
  
NEO: Hahahahaha!!!  
  
CYPHER: Yeah, I can't believe Switch told you to take off your pants!  
  
NEO: Dude! She totally didn't!  
  
CYPHER: Yeah! By "pants", I meant "shirt".  
  
AUDIENCE: You know, this blue pill thing seems to be hinting at something…something important that'll happen…now what was that called…?  
  
NEO: Foreshadowing?  
  
AUDIENCE: Yep! Yes, that's the one!  
  
NEO: Oh. So…what's being foreshadowed?  
  
AUDIENCE: *sighs* Nothing, nothing…  
  
NEO: Oh, yeah, you handed me this drink, didn't you?  
  
CYPHER: Yeah, about five minutes ago.  
  
NEO: So I should drink it just to be polite.  
  
CYPHER: You bet.  
  
NEO: Is it poisoned?  
  
CYPHER: Of course.  
  
NEO: Good. Just checking. *drinks from mug* ahhhhh! Cough hack splutter choke!  
  
CYPHER: Good shit, huh?  
  
TANK: CYPHER!  
  
CYPHER: Good crap, huh?  
  
TANK: Cypher…  
  
CYPHER: Tank, I'm not gonna say "poopy" just because you are under the obvious delusion that there are young children on this ship.  
  
TANK: You just did! Ha-HA!  
  
CYPHER: Dammit!   
  
TANK: Besides, Mouse is young and impressionable.  
  
MOUSE: No I'm not, I'm twenty-three or something.  
  
TANK: You're supposed to agree with me!  
  
MOUSE: You can't tell me what to do! You're not my father!  
  
TANK: Oh YEAH?!  
  
MOUSE: YEAH!!  
  
(Tank and Mouse run off, doing a thumb war to end the debate. Neo and Cypher are left alone again)  
  
CYPHER: That was weird…so, you like that drink?  
  
NEO: COUGHCHOKEHACK!  
  
CYPHER: Yeah, I though so. Blame Dozer, he made it. It's good for two things: killing engines and degreasing brain cells.  
  
NEO: Cough hack splutter?  
  
CYPHER: Yeah, you're right…it does sound a little strange…*shrugs* oh well.  
  
NEO: Wow, that stuff sure made me cough a lot. Let me drink some more! *drinks*  
  
CYPHER: Can I ask you something?  
  
NEO: You just did.  
  
CYPHER: Can I ask you two things?  
  
NEO: Sure.  
  
CYPHER: Did he tell you why he did it?  
  
NEO: No, I haven't met him in person. But from the movie I saw that he went after Marlin and Dory when Dory's nose started bleeding and he basically went crazy with hunger.  
  
CYPHER: No, I meant Morpheus.  
  
NEO: Oh. Well, yes, he did. Thanks for asking.  
  
CYPHER: Jee-zus!  
  
NEO: You talk funny.  
  
CYPHER: What a mind job!  
  
NEO: No, it's true! You exaggerate your speech a lot!  
  
CYPHER: Again, I was referring to Morpheus.  
  
NEO: Oh. Well, yes, I agree with you one hundred and three point eighty four percent.  
  
CYPHER: So he told you you're here to save the world? What do you say to something like that?  
  
NEO: Usually I just stare blankly at him and pretend I'm listening.  
  
CYPHER: Wow, I have, sadly, found something we have in common.  
  
NEO: Yellow smiley face boxers?  
  
CYPHER: *sighs* Correction: two things.  
  
NEO: What about…  
  
CYPHER: A LITTLE…piece of advice. You see an Agent…you do what we do.  
  
NEO: Run away screaming in fear while urinating profusely?  
  
CYPHER: Exactly.  
  
NEO: Wow, when you said that, it suddenly became more foreboding in here. Lemme chug down my drink *chugs down drink* be polite--thanks for the drink, Cypher-- and exit, stage right. *walks away*  
  
CYPHER: Sweet dreams. *mumbling* Yeah, like I could GET more out of character…  
  
CUT TO: A STEAK, BEING CUT WITH A KNIFE, WHICH IS IN THE HANDS OF A TRAITOR, WHO HAS SOMEHOW BEEN PLUGGED IN WITHOUT ANYONE ELSE KNOWING TO MAKE A DEAL WITH THE ENEMY (THE UBER-COOL ENEMY, I MIGHT ADD) IN AN ANNOYINGLY FANCY RESTAURANT.  
  
SMITH: So, do we have a deal, Mr. Reagan?  
  
AUDIENCE: Heh…Cypher Reagan…THAT'S a good baby name…  
  
CYPHER: *examines steak* You know…I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, it sends blah blah to my brain and tells me it's damn good. And after nine years, you know what I realize? I'm a vegetarian.  
  
SMITH: Yes, that's…very interesting. Does that mean we have a deal?  
  
CYPHER: No, it means I don't eat meat.  
  
SMITH: But DO we have a deal?  
  
CYPHER: Yeah, sure, why not? Pardon my ridiculously terrible grammar, but I don't wanna remember nothing. NOTHING! You understand?  
  
SMITH: You've only said it twenty times since the beginning of dinner. I think I get the picture.  
  
CYPHER: Oh, but just to expose the true weasel inside of me to the audience, I wanna be rich. Someone IMPORTANT. Like and ACTOR. ACTORS are IMPORTANT.  
  
WACHOWSKIS: Yeah, yeah, we double your meager pay and you shut up.  
  
CYPHER: Deal.  
  
SMITH: Whatever you want, Mr. Reagan.  
  
CYPHER: Yeah, you hear that? WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING.  
  
WACHOWSKIS: Shut up or you ain't getting paid at all!  
  
CYPHER: Yessirs! Anyway, Smithy, you get my body back in one of them neato slime pods, reinsert me into the world that I just happen to be in NOW, and I'll get you what you want.  
  
SMITH: Access codes to the Zion mainframe.  
  
CYPHER: Dammit, I'm a lowly crewmember who everyone hates. I don't KNOW THEM!  
  
SMITH: *glare*  
  
CYPHER: I'll get you the guy who does so you can drug him and try to make him talk at the same time.  
  
SMITH: Morpheus.  
  
CYPHER: Yes, that IS his name.  
  
SMITH: No, I was clearly stating this fact so the audience would understand who is being stabbed in the back.  
  
CYPHER: Well, technically it's the entire human race, but…  
  
SMITH: Shut up.  
  
CYPHER: Yessir.  
  
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A/N: I'll stop right there, because I'm damn tired (you hear that? Not just TIRED, but DAMN tired!). And I decided to post this now because, well, I've taken much too long a break. I honestly can't tell you when the next chapter will be up. If you don't have alerts, check back once a week, I guess…and oi! thanks to my reviewers (sorry if I miss anyone)!  
  
The Farting Menace: Yes, the ending to "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is very much annoying. Or disappointing. Anyway, I'll try to get around to watching The Truman Show sometime. Wow, you had a lot of fave parts…that's a good thing, I suppose! By the way, CMT is actually…well, I think it stands for "Country Music Television", but it's basically a channel where they play country music/music videos. In other words, the most annoying station on Earth.  
  
theshiz: Heh…I forgot Mouse?! Well…actually, I forgot him in this chapter too, so in order to not invoke your wrath upon my poor tortured soul I went and wrote him in. And you are now officially and obsessive fangirl. You're on the list! Oh, and Emilio…well…you confuse me.  
  
Nyxa: Yes, I agree. Wait…oh, no! Mutant splinters are attacking the lighthouse! Run for your lives! Save the cheesecake and the poor, innocent calendars!  
  
Creevey: Glad it's considered to be a gem! The jabs at Australia, well…they weren't intentional. Why DID I choose Australia, anyway…? Ohhhh, that's right, the movie was FILMED there, so I just set everything in Australia (though I've never been there). Anyway, glad you liked it, sorry it took me so long with this one!  
  
alocin: Actually, the only reason I called him a salmon was because he was moving in the direction opposite most of the people. So, essentially, he was going "upstream". But I suppose the baldness, scariness, and big lipiness (I made that word up myself!) could also give him the description of "salmon"…  
  
RangerGirl: Glad you like it! Yes, Linkin Park and Evanescence are two of the bestest bands ever! I also like AFI and…well, they're listed there as well. When are YOU gonna update? I read your LiveJournal, by the way…*sighs* it seems like everyone has got one except me…ah, whatever.  
  
mronimusha: About the mental disorders, I have about five…the majority of them go unmedicated. That could be why this is so twisted. Hey, you know what I realized? You reviewed FOUR TIMES during the period between chapter 11 and this one. Go you! I love reviews (even though they were just to tell me about an update). Just…don't do it again, lol. I mean, review this one, by all means, but when you have an update…go ahead and e-mail me! I need e-mail…my inbox is always empty…but I gotta admit, you ARE good with those subliminal messages!  
  
Hobbit-eyes: Yeah, that seemed to be the favorite part for many people. I heard that or saw that somewhere before (not EXACTLY the same thing, just the overuse of the acronyms) and it kinda came out of my fingers here…gasp! You did it too! ICT!  
  
NEO: TLC?  
  
Anyway, we have established in various other fics that school computers are, in fact, not to be used for work but for reading many humorous fics.  
  
Ergo-Visavis: Did I ever tell you how much I like your name? Anyway…about the audience thing, keep in mind that technically I'M part of the audience as well…I actually expected someone to say something about that part much sooner. But since you just found this, I guess it's okay. Thank you for finding this funny and for nagging me constantly so I'll write!  
  
To all: Chapter 2 of 'When Elf Clones Attack' should be up fairly soon as well. Please leave a wonderful review…and I am off to dreamland…*snores* 


	13. Mouse's Chapter and the teleprompter of ...

A/N: Hiya fellas. *ducks under the table* Before you hurt me for being all non-updatey…uhh…do a little daaaaaance…*smacks self* sorry, too much Invader Zim for me. Don't be surprised if there are a million bazillion Zim references in this chapter. I don't even remember what chapter I'm ON…oh, okay, now I do. Hehe.  
  
Disclaimer: Lawyer repellent joke got old. So I don't own the Matrix.   
  
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Chapter 13  
  
(Cypher smokes. Bad Cypher, haven't you seen those Truth commercials? The scene cuts back to the Nebber, with Tank getting some nasty stuff from a soft-serve ice cream machine)  
  
TANK *hands bowl to Neo* Here ya go, breakfast of champions.  
  
NEO: Wasn't that Wheaties? Or some other cereal?  
  
TANK: Who cares?  
  
NEO: I don't! I get ice cream for breakfast!  
  
TANK: Uhh…  
  
NEO: Heeey….this doesn't look like ICE CREAM…  
  
TANK: So, Neo, why are you wearing a hat that makes you look like the author's middle school band director?  
  
NEO: Because I CAN, and my HAIR is sorta NONEXISTENT at the moment.  
  
TANK: Cypher has less hair than you, and HE'S not wearing a hat.  
  
SWITCH: He may have less hair on his HEAD, but have you seen his BACK?  
  
TRINITY: No, what were you doing looking at Cypher's back?  
  
SWITCH: I wasn't. Mouse told me.  
  
(Everyone looks at Mouse)  
  
MOUSE: *goes into flashback*  
  
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***FLASHBACK OF DOOM!***  
  
MORPHEUS: Hey, Mouse, guess what?  
  
MOUSE: What?  
  
MORPHEUS: Chicken butt!  
  
MOUSE: Aww, I ALWAYS fall for that!  
  
MORPHEUS: No, really, guess what?  
  
MOUSE: What?  
  
MORPHEUS: We've just unplugged ANGELINA JOLIE and put her in CYPHER'S old room.  
  
MOUSE: Really?!?!?!  
  
(Mouse runs to Cypher's room and opens the door without knocking)  
  
MOUSE: Hello, beautif…  
  
CYPHER: (singing) Do do dooo, I just got out of the shower, dooby doo, and I'm singin' here nekkid…  
  
MOUSE: AHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
***END FLASHBACK OF DOOMY DOOM!***  
  
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MOUSE: Um…it's a long, involved story that we don't have time to get into right now…let's just say that's why my eyes always seem so abnormally large.  
  
NEO: Ah. *looks down at his bowl* This is the weirdest looking ice cream I've ever seen…  
  
MOUSE: Yeah, and if you close your eyes, it feels like you're eating runny eggs.  
  
APOC: Or a bowl of snot.  
  
DOZER: Or elephant vomit.  
  
TRINITY: Or fish excrement.  
  
NEO: Wow, that makes it sound so much more APPEALING. (sarcastically) Hey, Tank, gimme three more bowls!  
  
TANK: Coming right up! *quickly fills up three more bowls and gives them to Neo*  
  
NEO: Yeah, it's called SARCASM.  
  
TRINITY: No, when you're being sarcastic around Tank you have to use HTML tags.  
  
TANK: *nods* It's the only thing I can understand…  
  
TRINITY: Watch. sarcasm Hey, Tank, gimme three more bowls! /sarcasm  
  
TANK: *laughs* You're SUCH a RIOT, Trinity!  
  
NEO: Oh, that makes so much sense now…  
  
TANK: Yes, it does!  
  
NEO: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!   
  
MOUSE: Uh, guys? This is kinda, you know, my scene. Where I ACTUALLY get to SAY stuff. So PLEASE SHUT YOUR NOISE TUBES, TACO HUMANS!  
  
THESHIZ: AMEN!  
  
MOUSE: Thank you. It reminds me of…TASTEE WHEAT!  
  
THESHIZ: *cheers loudly*  
  
MOUSE: Did you ever eat Tastee Wheat?  
  
SWITCH: No, and technically, neither did you.  
  
MOUSE: HEY, I was TALKING to NEO! So, Neo, have you ever had Tastee Wheat?  
  
NEO: No, and technically, neither did you.  
  
MOUSE: You're just saying that because Switch said it, aren't you?  
  
NEO: You bet.  
  
MOUSE: Well, you know what? That was EXACTLY my point.  
  
NEO: Old men don't bother making points.  
  
MOUSE: I'm NOT old.   
  
NEO: Oh, right. Continue on your rant about food.  
  
MOUSE: Yay! See, you gotta wonder…how do the machines know what Tastee Wheat tasted like? Maybe they got it wrong. Maybe what I think Tastee Wheat tasted like actually tasted…  
  
NEO'S BRAIN: Okay, I'm lost. Why does he care? It doesn't matter what stuff REALLY tasted like because what the things REALLY tasted like were made up by the machines themselves, so technically they COULDN'T have gotten it wrong….God, I'm starting to SOUND like him…it's contagious! Ahhhh!!!  
  
MOUSE: Fish. And that makes you wonder…  
  
NEO'S BRAIN: Man, what is WITH this kid? Everything makes him wonder about something else, it's like a nuclear chain reaction that gets worse and worse until people start falling asleep…then again, all of Morpheus's speeches are like that…  
  
MOUSE: Maybe they didn't know what to make chicken taste like, and that's why everything tastes like chicken. And maybe they couldn't figure out…  
  
APOC: Shut up, Mouse.  
  
NEO'S BRAIN: Thank God. I mean…Apoc.  
  
THESHIZ: Oh, you just did not…  
  
APOC: Yes, I BELIEVE I DID.  
  
THESHIZ: Ooohh, it's ON now.  
  
APOC: Let's take this OUTSIDE.  
  
THESHIZ: Let's NOT, since we'll be killed by SENTINELS.  
  
APOC: Grr…  
  
THESHIZ: HA!  
  
DOZER: It has a lot of stuff that involves words that will show that I am very smart or reading directly from a teleprompter with words typed by Morpheus, all knowing God of everything…  
  
MOUSE: *walks back behind teleprompter*  
  
DOZER: …and also the one who wets the bed every night.  
  
MORPHEUS: Hey!  
  
DOZER: But at least Morpheus doesn't obsess over chicken and Tastee Wheat when no one really gives half a crap about Morpheus's boring speeches that put everyone to sleep. On top of that he Miiiiister Aaaaaaanderson, surprised to Tastee Wheat? Don't worry about that vase. It's like wiping your arse with cookies need love because there is no spoon.  
  
NEO: *goes behind teleprompter* o_O What are YOU doing here?  
  
(Morpheus, Mouse, Bane, the Oracle, the Merovingian, and Spoon Boy are all crowded around the teleprompter, trying to type)  
  
NEO: I haven't even MET half of you yet!  
  
ORACLE: *types something*  
  
DOZER: Actually, that is two-thirds of them.  
  
NEO: Stop it!  
  
(Everyone grumbles, and the people who aren't supposed to be there magically teleport back to wherever they came from)  
  
MOUSE: Hey, Neo, you know the lady in the red dress? I designed her and stuff, I'll say I'll arrange a more personal meeting but I really don't mean it; this is just to show how oddly perverted I am and the fact that you should not deny your impulses must be clearly stated so you and Trinity will have an excuse to…  
  
TRINITY: *elbows Mouse*  
  
MOUSE: OW!  
  
NEO: We're gonna beat each other up?  
  
MORPHEUS: Hey everybody! I've been mysteriously absent! Anywho, Dozer, when you're done eating your snot, come out here and bring the ship to broadcast depth. We're going in.  
  
AUDIENCE: Great, that means most of them are about to die, doesn't it?  
  
CYPHER: Yes…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough hack* HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!  
  
TECHNO SOUNDTRACK: boom boom tch boom boom tch I sound so cool….  
  
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CUT TO: A PHONE!  
  
PHONE: Phone go ring-ring, cow go moo! Piggy go oink-oink, how bout you?  
  
TECHNO SOUNDTRACK: DAMN PHONE! Ruining my coolness…  
  
MORPHEUS: *picks up phone*  
  
PHONE: Mmph! Mmmmpphhh!!!  
  
MORPHEUS: We're in. Haha, I sound so cool.  
  
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CUT TO: OUTSIDE  
  
TRINITY: Ooh, lookit me, my outfit is all reflecty!  
  
CYPHER: Ahh! I'm blinded!  
  
NEO: I look like a dork! Or a priest!  
  
SWITCH: I have orange sunglasses!  
  
APOC: I'm not allowed to talk! *thinks* D'oh!  
  
MOUSE: I'm mysteriously absent!  
  
MORPHEUS: (to Apoc and Switch) We meet back here in an hour. Unless I have to give a speech. Then you can unroll the sleeping bags.  
  
CYPHER: I'm EVIL, view me as I throw away my nifty cell phone!  
  
MORPHEUS: Hey! I SAW THAT! Why are you throwing your phone away?  
  
CYPHER: Wha? Ohh, that's not a trashcan, that's the…uhh…phone cleaner basket. Yeah, you put it in there, they clean your phone, then you get it back later.  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh, okay.  
  
CUT TO: THE CAR (THE CAAAAR! IT MOVES!)  
  
NEO: I look out the window. Must look angsty. *makes face* No, wait, that's constipated…  
  
MORPHEUS: Unbelievable, isn't it?  
  
NEO: Not really, I've kinda lived here my whole life, durr. *looks back out window* God!  
  
TRINITY: What?  
  
NEO: *sighs* Trinity, I've been around you long enough to know that you are not God. So PLEASE stop answering for him!  
  
TRINITY: *glares*  
  
NEO: I used to eat there….*points*  
  
TRINITY: *squints at sign* Noodlerama?  
  
NEO: No, that place next to it.  
  
TRINITY: McDonalds?  
  
NEO: No, on the other side!  
  
TRINITY: *squints* Wait, I have sunglasses, why am I squinting? *shrugs* So you used to eat at…Puppies-R-Us?!  
  
NEO: Yeah, they made some good food there. Them dog biscuits was the best, darn-tootin'.  
  
TRINITY: o.o *scoots away from Neo*  
  
NEO: I have all these memories of my life…but none of them happened…  
  
TRINITY: Sure they did, in your own little imaginary world.  
  
NEO: Did you go to her?  
  
TRINITY: What?  
  
NEO: Actually, I was kinda thinking "who".  
  
TRINITY: You just confused me, Mr. Rapidly-Change-the-Subject-Every-Five-Seconds.  
  
NEO: So, how's your mother? Is she still alive?  
  
TRINITY: Yes, I saw the Oracle.   
  
NEO: COOL! What'd she tell you?  
  
TRINITY: She told me…  
  
NEO: What?  
  
TRINITY: She told me…  
  
NEO: What?  
  
TRINITY: STOP IT! I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU BUT YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME AND IT'S PISSING ME OFF!  
  
NEO: What?  
  
TRINITY: Shetoldmenottotellyou.  
  
NEO: Whoa, I missed that, you were talking too fast.  
  
TRINITY: She told me…  
  
MORPHEUS: We're here.  
  
NEO: Well, EXCUSE ME, Morpheus, but I was TALKING to TRINITY.  
  
MORPHEUS: *rolls eyes*  
  
(Some unnecessary talking that someone doesn't feel like making long, involved jokes out of happens. Then Neo and Morpheus get into an elevator.)  
  
NEO: So, uh…you come here often?  
  
MORPHEUS: ….  
  
NEO: So, uh…is this the same Oracle that made…the prophecy?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yes. She's very old…blah blah blah…  
  
NEO: Ooh, she's gonna be MAD when I tell her you called her old…  
  
MORPHEUS: No, she knew I would call her old.  
  
NEO: Aww, that takes all the fun out of it!  
  
MORPHEUS: It does indeed.  
  
(Again, laziness ensues, so they're walking down a hallway when they see a GIANT TEDDY BEAR!)  
  
NEO: Aww, how CUTE!  
  
(Unfortunately, the teddy bear is a rare breed of explosive bear. It blows up and everyone dies, the end.)  
  
NEO: That's no fun!  
  
PRIESTESS: What's all this damn racket out here? *sees Morpheus* Oh, hi! Morpheus, bug off, Neo, come with me!  
  
(They walk some)  
  
PRIESTESS: These are the other Potentials. I'll leave you here with all these weirdos so the most memorable quote can be said.  
  
(Neo looks around. There's a kid reading, wow, and some little girls playing with blocks. You know, making them float in the air. Kinda like The Exorcist all over again. Then Neo sees the great, the wonderful, the absolutely weird-looking SPOON BOY!)  
  
SPOON BOY: *hands Neo a spoon* Dunnot try and bend the spoon. That's impossible.  
  
NEO: No, Mr. Spoon Boy, not impossible. Inevitable.  
  
SPOON BOY: Riiight…try to realize the truth.  
  
NEO: What truth? That you're obviously drunk? I mean, come on, could you talk any slower?  
  
SPOON BOY: There is no spoon.  
  
NEO: What are you talking about? I'm HOLDING IT! Besides, I used one to eat breakfast this morning in the REAL WORLD. I don't blame you for not knowing much, if your only friends are a bunch of SPOONS.  
  
SPOON BOY: It is not the spoon that bends, only yourself.  
  
NEO: Oh, so now you're calling me BENDY and remarkably FLEXABLE, HUH?! That's it! Bring it ON, biyatch!  
  
SPOON BOY: That's not very nice.  
  
NEO: Aww, is widdle spoon boy SCARED?  
  
SPOON BOY: That's it! You're going DOWN, punk!  
  
(Some really cool bullet-time kung-fu goes on. Of course, Spoon Boy is using spoons, so does that mean it's really spoon-time fighting?)  
  
PRIESTESS: Well, since you two are so busy FIGHTING, I suppose the Oracle can wait…just don't keep fighting for a month, okay?  
  
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A/N: Yes, that was a note to myself. Oh, and I have decided not to continue on with my Reloaded story yet because I'm [obviously] the kind of person who can't keep up with more than one story.  
  
Reviewers! Thank you, especially if you're STILL reading this story!  
  
Hobbit-eyes: Yep, pants. GO PANTS! Anywho, maybe I'll update sooner than I did with this time. Maybe I won't. I really hate school, didya know that? It's EVIL. EEEEEVIL I SAY!!!  
  
Ergo-Visavis: wow, I love happy reviews! Go happy reviews! Yaaaay! Didya notice any Zim references? We must convert the poor, drooling masses to Invader Zim-ism!  
  
mronimusha: Hey…I haven't checked on your fic in a reeeeeaaaally long time…actually, I read the rest of it last night but forgot to review! Must do it now!  
  
The Farting Menace: Well, now this review is waaay old, but when I got it, I HADN'T seen Revolutions. But now I have. And anyone who says it's awful…well, who really gives a crap about them? Yay!  
  
theshiz: Yeah, don't you hate it when actors take over your brain and talk to you during school? That's so annoying. And you have a cameo! How could anyone leave you out of Mouse's chapter?  
  
BobTheMidget: You bet! Weird Al is the BESTEST! "And I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, 'hey…you got weasels on your face'". I LOVE Albuquerque!!!! The song, I mean…never been to the city.  
  
alocin: Gappy! Sal! No, wait, I'M Sal! Uhh…yep, vegetarian weasel. I dunno, just was kinda like "CYPHER'S A WEASEL! A VEGETARIAN WEASEL! HAHAHA!". That's what my brain said.  
  
PsychoticPhoenixFireKiarraTaki: Wow, that has to be the longest name I have EVER seen. Uhh…what to say…yeah, you're really random, I can tell. I think.  
  
OrlandoBloomGirl: Thankee! Yay, I INSPIRED someone! If it's not up already, tell me when it is, and I'll go read it!  
  
bubba: nope, don't have a recipe. Try drinking engine oil; should have the same effect. 


	14. Thus ends the sad, sad tale of the Aflac...

Hello everybody! This is one of those rare, quick updates. Be happy. HAPPY, I SAY! I SEE YOU! You're not HAPPY enough!!!!! Except for you, theshiz, bouncing with all that anticipation…  
  
Disclaimer: Hmm…do I think up a new, crappier running joke? No, not right now. I don't own the Matrix (DAMMIT!). Also don't own Aflac or anything else that it's quite obvious that I don't own, like MovieFone. Or Fandango.  
  
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Chapter 14  
  
(We last left Neo and Spoon Boy duking it out while waiting for the Oracle to get ready. The priestess finally stepped out and told Neo she was ready. Some final words were exchanged between the combatants…)  
  
NEO: Yeah, you little punk, you just better feel lucky that I was in a good mood!  
  
SPOON BOY: Oh, so you go around abusing little children when you're in a GOOD mood? I hate to see what you're like in a BAD mood…  
  
(…then Neo heads back to see the Oracle. He walks in, seemingly afraid of the beads that serve as a door to the kitchen, then looks around awkwardly. The Oracle holds up her hand.)  
  
ORACLE: I know you're Neo. I can see your reflection in this little oven window. Be right with you.  
  
NEO: You're the Oracle?  
  
ORACLE: *suddenly furious* Dammit, boy, what part of "be right with you" DON'T you understand? I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU. As in NOT RIGHT NOW. *calms down* Bingo.  
  
NEO: *looks around* You have a dog?  
  
ORACLE: No.  
  
NEO: Ohh, I see, you're OLD, so you like playing BINGO.  
  
ORACLE: Yeah, sure, whatever kid, now shut up.  
  
NEO: Okay…*mumbles* Mrs. Hitler…  
  
ORACLE: I heard that! *calm again* Not quite what you were expecting, right?  
  
NEO: No, not-  
  
ORACLE: AL-most done. Smell good, don't they? *gets ready to take out the cookies*  
  
NEO: But I thought you said they were AL-most done, not doney-done…why are you getting them out NOW?  
  
ORACLE: BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT! *calms* I'd ask you to sit down, but you're being a little a-hole at the moment. And you wouldn't have done it anyway. Oh, and don't worry about that vase.  
  
NEO: What vase? *turns around, flailing his arms madly and hitting all other objects around it* I don't see a vase…  
  
(As the smoke from his destruction ceases, it is seen that the vase is the only thing still intact. Suffering from a strange kind of destructive obsessive-compulsive disorder, Neo grabs the vase and slams it to the floor.)  
  
ORACLE: …that vase.  
  
NEO: *all panicked, knowing the Oracle will explode on him* I'm sorry! I really am!!  
  
ORACLE: I said don't worry about it. I've got that insurance.  
  
NEO: What insurance?  
  
RANDOM DUCK: Aflac.  
  
ORACLE: Oh, you know, that insurance that covered everything except vases until just recently.  
  
NEO: Huh. I've never heard of that before. Do you know what it's called?  
  
DUCK: Aflac.  
  
ORACLE: Not a clue.  
  
NEO: Oh. But I suppose it helps. I mean, you left the oven door open, and you've got this foot-pedal flip top garbage can facing away from the oven…if something was sitting on the top of the garbage can and you hit the foot pedal really hard, it would fly STRAIGHT into the open oven!  
  
ORACLE: Yeah, I guess I better close the oven door now…  
  
(The duck, trying to get everyone's attention, jumps onto the lid of the trashcan. Everything begins moving in slow motion. The Oracle is walking slooooowly over to the oven to close it. Neo, still trying to prove his point, slams his foot down on the foot pedal on the garbage can as hard as possible. The duck is sent flying, and with one last shout of "Aflaaaaaaaaaaac!" he catapults into the oven. Immediately after this, the Oracle closes the door. Thus ends the sad, sad tale of the Aflac duck.)  
  
ORACLE: Or maybe I'll just get one of the pathetic children to fix it.  
  
NEO: How did you know?  
  
ORACLE: Well, you kinda have a history of randomly breaking stuff, from what I understand. What's REALLY going to bake your noodle later on is…would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything?  
  
(The Oracle proceeds to light a cigarette.)  
  
NEO: Look, first of all, I don't BAKE noodles, I BOIL them. Second, of course I would have. If you were REALLY the Oracle you would've known that I ALSO have a history of vandalizing poor, defenseless, elderly peoples' homes. And third, if you were the Oracle, you'd know that smoking is bad for you.  
  
ORACLE: Oh, put a sock in it.  
  
NEO: Okay!  
  
(Neo takes off a shoe. The Oracle facepalms.)  
  
ORACLE: You're stupider than I thought…  
  
NEO: Why thank-HEY!  
  
ORACLE: I just fail to see why she likes you…  
  
NEO: Who loves me, baby?  
  
ORACLE: …wow, you really ARE dumb…do you at least know why Morpheus brought you to see me?  
  
NEO: COOKIES!  
  
ORACLE: Exact-wait a second…nope, you're still wrong and I'm still high.  
  
NEO: Uhh…from a cigarette?  
  
ORACLE: You think that smell when you came in was coming from those cookies?  
  
NEO: Hmm…  
  
ORACLE: So dude, do you think you're the One?  
  
NEO: I don't know…  
  
ORACLE: *points above Neo* You know what that means?  
  
(The camera pans to a sign that says "Knowus thyselfum")  
  
ORACLE: It means "Know thyself."  
  
NEO: Never would've guessed.  
  
ORACLE: I'm gonna let you in on a little secret…being the One is just like being in love. It's amazing at first, then you commit yourself to it, then you go insane, fall into a bottomless pit of debt, and eventually kill yourself or wish you were dead. So, no one can TELL you when you're in love. You just know it. Kinda like when you've been hit by a truck and you're in your last split second of consciousness.  
  
NEO: Sounds like…a party…yeah, one where you go to be tortured…  
  
ORACLE: *stands up* Well, let me have a look at you…give you your annual exam…open your mouth, say "Ah."  
  
NEO: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…  
  
(The Oracle proceeds to check him over, pulling his eyelids down, looking in his ears, that sort of thing…then she reads his palms.)  
  
ORACLE: Now I'm supposed to say, "That blows, you're gonna die in seven days…" Or was it, "Hmm, that's interesting, but…", then you say…  
  
NEO: Haha, you said BUTT!  
  
ORACLE: Not quite what I was expecting, but….  
  
NEO: AHAHAHAHA, you said it AGAIN!  
  
ORACLE: God, I try to walk him through everything he's supposed to say, but he just won't…  
  
NEO: I'm not the One.  
  
ORACLE: Oh my God, it's a miracle…I think I may have a HEART ATTACK!!!  
  
NEO: Sounds like fun. Call me when it's over, I'll be eating those cookies…  
  
ORACLE: No, you won't. See, you ARE the One…but you're waiting for your next life or something.  
  
NEO: Am I gonna DIE?  
  
AUDIENCE: *cough hack coughcough*  
  
ORACLE: Why of course, sweetie, everyone dies! But like I said, you're gonna die in…  
  
NEO: Seven days, I know, I know.  
  
ORACLE: Yep, that's just the way the cookie crumbles…  
  
NEO: *laughs to himself*  
  
ORACLE: What's so funny, punk?  
  
NEO: Oh, just, you know…you're making cookies, and you're talking about them crumbling, and…hahaha, it's FUNNY! Oh, but while we're on the subject…Morpheus is funny. I mean, he was preaching and preaching, and he almost had me convinced.  
  
ORACLE: I know. I'm the Oracle; that's my job, after all. Poor Morpheus…without him, we're lost.  
  
AUDIENCE: And WITH him, we're asleep…  
  
ORACLE: Morpheus is gonna die.  
  
NEO: Uhh…shouldn't you have asked me if I wanted to hear that first?  
  
ORACLE: Meh, possibly. You're gonna have to make a choice…  
  
NEO: Lemme guess, between sitting and standing?  
  
ORACLE: No…  
  
NEO: Between the salvation of humanity and the life of my lover?  
  
ORACLE: No, Neo…  
  
NEO: Between the red pill and the blue pill? Whether I want a piece of candy? Whether I…  
  
ORACLE: NO! You can either save Morpheus or die.  
  
NEO: Is that a threat?  
  
ORACLE: Yeah, sure…look, one of you is gonna die. Sorry to have to tell you…you're really quite dumb, and I hate giving dumb people news they can't comprehend…so instead, I give them cookies.  
  
(The Oracle picks up a plate with cookies on them. From the side of the plate, a piece of paper hangs. The word "Poison" is seen crossed out, and next to it is the words "cookies for friends".)  
  
ORACLE: Take one. By the time you're done eating it, you'll feel better.  
  
(Neo walks out. He knows that the cookies obviously have marijuana baked into them, hence the "feeling better" thing. This also is an incentive for him to eat the cookie whole.)  
  
MORPHEUS: What was said is for you and you alone…  
  
NEO: Duuuuuuude…  
  
(They leave. The scene switches to a rather risqué photo of…the woman in the red dress. Minus the dress. Mouse is seen looking at it.)  
  
MOUSE: *looks at the camera* I only look at this stuff for the articles, I swear!  
  
(His phone rings, and he picks it up.)  
  
TANK: They're on their way.  
  
(The scene goes back to outside, where Switch and Apoc are waiting. The car drives up. Cypher smiles at Neo in his creepy fashion. Neo shakes his head and walks away. The scene cuts back to the real world to show Cypher twitching. Tank looks strangely at his computer screens, and the music intensifies.)  
  
TANK: What is that?  
  
AUDIENCE: Uh-oh, that can't be good…Tank is THE uber-geek, and he knows EVERYTHING…  
  
(We go back to see the rest of the crew climbing the stairs. Neo sees a cat.)  
  
NEO: Aww…  
  
(A dog comes and chases away the cat.)  
  
NEO: Whoa…  
  
(The cat runs back out, chasing a mouse.)  
  
NEO: Yeah, go get 'im!  
  
(The mouse runs back out, chasing an elephant.)  
  
NEO: o_O That's really weird…  
  
TRINITY: What?  
  
NEO: Oh, nothing. Just an unlikely series of animals randomly chasing each other.  
  
(Everyone turns around)  
  
TRINITY: What did you just say?  
  
NEO: Uhh...nothing? Just something strange…  
  
TRINITY: What did you see?  
  
CYPHER: What happened?  
  
TRINITY: Hey, pal, I'm asking the questions here, not you.  
  
NEO: I saw a dog. Then a cat. Then a mouse. Then an elephant. They were all chasing each other.  
  
TRINITY: Oh, no…  
  
CYPHER: The classic cartoon rivalries…  
  
TRINITY: Something's changed…  
  
(Cut back to Mouse, looking kinda scared.)  
  
MOUSE: I'm kinda scared…  
  
TANK: Oh my God…  
  
(We see a pair of wire cutters…cutting some wires.)  
  
MORPHEUS: On your mark…getsetgo!  
  
(Everyone runs up the stairs quickly. Mouse's phone rings.)  
  
MOUSE: You have reached MovieFone. For showtimes, press 1. For theaters near you, press 2…  
  
TANK: AHH!! IT'S A TRAP, Mr. MovieFone! Get out while you still can, or I shall never know when [insert name of movie that was in theaters in 1999] starts!  
  
MOUSE: You could always use Fandango. I mean…AHHHH!!  
  
(Mouse shows that the window has been locked. There is a sign with detailed instructions that show how to unlock it, but instead Mouse goes for the really huge guns. Some police guys come in, and Mouse starts shooting.)  
  
MOUSE: Diiiiiieee! Kamikaze!!!   
  
(He dies. That's it.)  
  
THESHIZ: WHADDAYA MEAN, "THAT'S IT"?!  
  
(The tale of Mouse is a long, sad, detailed one.)  
  
DORY: Oh, this is gonna be good, I can tell!  
  
(…But we don't have time to tell it right now, maybe some other time.)  
  
TANK: *looks severely constipated*  
  
(We get back to the other characters, who are running up the biiiiig stairwell. They all run into a bigger room, and notice that the windows are locked.)  
  
CYPHER: That's what they changed. I don't do childproof window locks. We're trapped. There's no way out. I'm pretending to be panicked with an amazing lack of exclamation points.  
  
MORPHEUS: Be calm. Gimme your phone. I just love them picture phones!  
  
TRINITY: They'll be able to track it. Especially if you take pictures of our EXACT location.  
  
MORPHEUS: We have no choice.  
  
TANK: *trying to look dramatic/sad/in pain and only succeeding in the latter* Operator.  
  
MORPHEUS: Find a structural drawing of this building. Do it fast, please. We're kinda in a hurry.  
  
(There is a suspenseful shot of all the cops running up the stairs.)  
  
TANK: Hmm…sorry, buddy, it seems I can only find blueprints…  
  
AUDIENCE: Why didn't he make himself useful and find those in the FIRST PLACE?!  
  
TANK: Got it.  
  
MORPHEUS: I need the main wet-wall.  
  
TANK: You mean the bathroom where everyone's aim seems to be a little off?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, whatever.  
  
(To add more suspense, Agent Smith is seen intercepting the phone call and telling everyone else where they're heading.)  
  
SMITH: They're going…they're going to DISNEY WORLD! No, wait, scratch that, it's the eighth floor.  
  
(Back to the other people.)  
  
MORPHEUS: Switch, straight ahead.  
  
SWITCH: Why are you telling ME where to go? Shouldn't you be telling everybody and not just focusing on ME?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, whatever.  
  
APOC: Hey, Neo. *does cool flippy thing with a gun* I hope the Oracle gave you some good news.  
  
NEO: No, she said Morpheus is gonna DIE. Or maybe me, it depends on how selfish I'm feeling.  
  
APOC: Great. We're all dead.  
  
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And that is that. Yeah, so I didn't give everyone time to review…still…  
  
theshiz: For the record: I LOVE YOU TOO! And that tale of Mouse's life that I was talking to you about shall be written. I think.  
  
Nithke: You know, the random humor isn't just created from nothing. It's like energy…it never increases or decreases, it's just randomly transferred. In this case, from myself to Microsoft Word. Anywho, thank you very much and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
  
lazy Nitz: I know who you are. I'M COMING FOR YOU! Actually, I'm not, because I only know the general vicinity of where you live. But whatever. And yes, you are predictable. That's a compliment! Really! Yay for Zim! *waves Irken flag*  
  
mronimusha: Heh, don't blame you for being scared. But think of it this way: I thought of it. It came from MY brain. I had to type it. Do you feel sorry for me now? Let's see…what WAS I on…I dunno. Pepto Bismol is the only thing I can think of, you could go buy some if you want. Then again, don't. You know, chugging that stuff is bad for you. Look at how I turned out. *twitches*  
  
blue: Thankee very much! I guess I can keep it up…or something…yeah…  
  
Okay, that's it! Don't forget to drop off your reviews, and…stuff. Yeah. 


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